I think it will really help me to write about how it feels to be here. Maybe I should start before I even got here. I was at home and things were getting worse. Two members of my family were suspicious of everything I did. I felt like I couldn't really do as I wanted. I'd talk on the phone in my room and family members would wonder who I was talking to, when really it shouldn't matter. It's my phone, I pay for it, does it matter who I was speaking to? As an adult woman, it really shouldn't bother anyone what I do. I'm not a teenager who has her phone paid for by her parents and needs someone to keep an eye on her. I know for a fact someone in my family was going through stuff in my room, hoping to find anything incriminating against me. And by incriminating I mean not following what they wanted me to do. Not necessarily anything bad, depends what point of view you believe in. I just think as an adult I should be able to do certain things without being questioned, or being told its wrong or that I don't know how to think for myself, or that I am naive.
I wanted to leave home for a long time, but I was biding my time. I was planning on getting a decent job then following that up with getting a flat and hopefully my own car. My father did not know of these plans as he does not approve of a woman living alone. Despite the fact that men do it all the time, but of course that's not a problem. Nobody ever questions a man's honour or reputation and he is free to do as he pleases with little to no consequences. Anyway, my plan was not really working as I could not get a job in Middlesbrough. No matter how hard I tried, the jobs just weren't there. I struggled to find the minimum of two jobs I needed to apply for per week. I look back and think how ridiculous that is. Retail is my sector, and its thriving in big cities but its just on its knees in Middlesbrough. Its a small town and there is a slow staff turnaround. Once you find a job, you keep it. So there was rarely much recruitment going on. Also the recession hit Middlesbrough really bad. Meanwhile as things were getting worse at home I was wondering how I could make it out. Should I stick with it and put up with the daily crap I was getting from a younger sibling and my father? After all there was no physical abuse. It was just words. Words don't hurt, I'd tell myself. But they did. I felt like I couldn't put a foot wrong in front of anyone. I was almost constantly walking on eggshells. The only respite I truly got was work. I was cleaning a house once a week and it was the only time I was truly alone. Even in my room I felt like I didn't get enough privacy.
I was getting more bad days than good. The situation at home was driving me crazy. I would sit in my room and cry. I just felt down, like there wasn't a way out. When was I going to be able to live life on my own terms? It felt like a long way in the future if it ever was going to happen. Meanwhile, suspicion was rising amongst two members of my family. They wanted to confront me. They kind of did that night. I was asked if I was in a relationship. I refused to answer and I tried to leave the room. I was blocked by a family member who is taller and bigger than me. I just wanted to go upstairs and cry. So I did. I realised I had to go. So I called the domestic violence helpline. I've done it in the past but told myself I didn't have to leave so I turned down their offers of help, believing I was fine. This time I said I wanted to leave, I wanted to go to a refuge. The woman on the phone agreed I had a reason to leave and go to a safe place. I decided to go far from home so I couldn't easily be found. I was given the phone number for the refuge and told to call first thing to get a place. There were only two rooms available so I needed to be quick. I got on the phone as soon as possible the next morning. I barely slept. I kept looking at my phone, wishing the time to hurry up so I could go. I packed as much as I could the night before, but obviously I could not take everything.
I needed somewhere to wait with my bags as my coach to the new place was not leaving immediately. I decided the police station was the best and safest place. Only I wasn't allowed to leave my bags there so I had to call a friend to come and help me as I had not eaten anything that day. I remember we went to Subway and its strange how normal everything felt, even though I knew I was leaving, possibly for good. I am so glad I spent that last bit of time with some good people. I love them and they know who they are. Thank you so much for all of your support and I will see you all again.
