Sometimes other Muslims can be your biggest critics. Like the whole getting married thing, its like you're nothing without being married. So some people seem to think they are giving you the gospel by telling you to get online and find someone. Oh really you think I just sat here twiddling my thumbs for the past almost ten years? I live in a small town, getting online to find someone was something I did very early on. I just never had the contacts here to help me. In my mind I've done all that I can to find someone, and if I choose to give up, is it anyone's business but my own? Don't tell me you know someone nice, or there's plenty of nice men and I just haven't met them yet. Just. Stop. I don't want to hear it anymore. You think I gave up after a few months of looking? I have been trying since I was 19 years old. For a long time marriage was all I ever wanted. Some of it was for the right reasons, some wrong. I wanted to settle down and have my own family before it gets too late. I also wanted to get away from my family home because its so suffocating. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't feel like I want to get away from my own family, but that's how they have made me feel, well my father in particular. I realised I wasn't in the right frame of mind anymore. Drifting away from my religion and wanting to marry someone to escape isn't right to me. It wouldn't make for a happy marriage in any case.
Then that brings me to the men. Now of course this doesn't describe all Muslim men, but its my experience. I met so many rude Muslim men online. Like so many it just got ridiculous. Many times I was told I don't look nice. Basically I'm ugly. One said my skin was too dark, him being darker than me by the way. Like its perfectly acceptable to do that. I honestly wish they would have lied for the reasons they were turning me down. I don't want to hear I'm ugly, even if you think its true. Keep it to yourself and end our conversing by just saying you don't think we're a good match or something. Don't be nasty, even if that's how you feel. It's just setting up someone to have no confidence in their looks. I don't believe people when they tell me I'm pretty. Its like I was conditioned to believe otherwise. Now that's just one piece of damage trying to get married has done to me.
One of the worst things is someone who got married so quickly and easily telling me not to give up. What would you know about it? You found someone fast. You will never understand years of being on matrimonial websites, the stress slowly rising, taking its toll. Please don't pretend to understand something you have never been through. And say I'm wrong if you want, but our religion has a part to play too. You can't have children unless you're married in Islam. So what if I never find someone? Yep, I'm just supposed to stay single forever, The truth is not everyone will get married. I have people in my family who never got married, and now they're in their 50s and 60s. Don't tell me it happens for everyone because that's just not true. Call me pessimistic if you want, but that's my life experiences. Life isn't a fairy tale where everyone gets what they expect. Or sometimes we find happiness in a different way, in a way perhaps our religion wouldn't recommend. But that's just how it works sometimes.
I'm actually happier NOT trawling through marriage websites, so don't tell me to log back on and try again. I know I probably gained a ton of grey hairs through all the stress. I stopped looking at the beginning of 2015 and its been fantastic. I just don't need it in my life at this point. If you're someone feeling the same way, take a break, even if its a few months, or a year. Just do it and clear your head. Trying to get married shouldn't feel that way.
Much of what you write is unfortunately true. The Muslims are in a bad state. The sad thing is that the Muslims are not practising Prophet Muhammed's version of Islam, but a corrupted one. For example, marriage in the Prophet's Islam is supposed to be easy. Prophet Muhammed married all of his wives in a very simple ceremony. Nowadays you have to spend thousands of pounds for an event that will last only a few hours. That money, instead, could have been used to buy the essential items needed by the newly married couple. Also, in past times when a young man or woman expressed a desire to get married it was taken seriously and they were helped and encouraged in that endeavour. Today, however, young people are discouraged from getting married because they have to complete their studies, find a decent job etc etc. Too many unnecessary hurdles. Obviously for you I think living in such an Islamically isolated place doesn't help.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could use your knack for writing and running a blog to try and help other Muslimahs and create some type of community where you help each other and give advice and tips on how to find potential spouses.
Also, have a look at this Muslim matrimonial site: halfourdeen.com. It's different to other sites in that they have a very reasonable subscription and you're not stuck in a year long subscription but it's a type of rolling subscription so that as soon as you find a partner you don't get charged anymore. They also ensure that there are no unactive or spam accounts.
In sha Allah things work out well for you.
Thank you for your reply, sorry I only just saw it now as I have been quite busy. I hope it can help someone else out there who felt the way I did.
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