Fighting for Independence

 This post is gonna be a bit all over the place, just to warn you. It's my thoughts and not really a properly set out blog post. I just felt the need to write out my feelings.
It's pretty tough being a Muslim sometimes. Or should I say its more of a cultural issue? Who knows anymore as the lines become pretty blurred. I hate the fact that it's so difficult to attain independence as a woman. I want to move out, have my own space, but to an Arab father, that is a huge insult. If I want to move out I need a husband. I don't believe that's the right reason to get married. I would honestly rather stay single and run my own flat, have a decent job. It has been very difficult to find regular steady work. I volunteered in a shop for over four years. I got tons of experience, but in reality it means nothing to employers and I have found pretty much all of them don't care that I volunteered my time and racked up experience. It's almost seen as 'not real'. In that job I learned to work on a till, I could use a coffee machine, making lattes and the like. All transferable skills I can use elsewhere. The shop was based in a hospital, and I got to know some of the regulars who came in often. I was a painfully shy person and it forced me to speak to people more. Even when gaming became more of an online thing, I completely avoided playing with people. I really didn't want to speak on mic either. I then found a regular weekly Uncharted 3 online playing session, but it was for my brother. Then he didn't play as much and I decided I wanted to try it out. Being on mic for the first time I was incredibly nervous, and everyone else was much more chatty than me. I wasn't used to playing with other people and I stayed quiet a lot. I slowly found my voice and made some fantastic friends for life. Gaming with a mic doesn't scare me anymore!

 I spent all my school life being quiet and invisible, except when people noticed I was different and decided to be racist. Then suddenly I wasn't invisible anymore. I started to long for the days where I went unnoticed, I would much rather that happened than be verbally or physically attacked. So what I look different? I'm mixed race, get over it and get on with your own life.

I don't think it should be seen as weird if a Muslim woman decides to live alone. How many men do it and nobody bats an eye? Is it because they think we want to do inapproriate things? Couldn't the same be said for lone men? Why pick on women only? Honestly I don't care. Let people talk. People talk no matter what you do. I'm not married and I get asked about it. My mum gets asked about it. Because apparently you are nothing if you are single. And even when you get married the pressure doesn't end, people are waiting for you to have children. Then they look down on you if you don't have boys. Like you can control that. I don't know, maybe its worse because I live in a small town. People don't have anything better to do except talk about others. I'd rather live in a city and be anonymous.

If you got this far, well done you! It has been a bit of a rant but I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe even someone else who is going through the same difficulties can relate.