Life in a women's refuge (part 1)

 I think it will really help me to write about how it feels to be here. Maybe I should start before I even got here. I was at home and things were getting worse. Two members of my family were suspicious of everything I did. I felt like I couldn't really do as I wanted. I'd talk on the phone in my room and family members would wonder who I was talking to, when really it shouldn't matter. It's my phone, I pay for it, does it matter who I was speaking to? As an adult woman, it really shouldn't bother anyone what I do. I'm not a teenager who has her phone paid for by her parents and needs someone to keep an eye on her. I know for a fact someone in my family was going through stuff in my room, hoping to find anything incriminating against me. And by incriminating I mean not following what they wanted me to do. Not necessarily anything bad, depends what point of view you believe in. I just think as an adult I should be able to do certain things without being questioned, or being told its wrong or that I don't know how to think for myself, or that I am naive.

I wanted to leave home for a long time, but I was biding my time. I was planning on getting a decent job then following that up with getting a flat and hopefully my own car. My father did not know of these plans as he does not approve of a woman living alone. Despite the fact that men do it all the time, but of course that's not a problem. Nobody ever questions a man's honour or reputation and he is free to do as he pleases with little to no consequences. Anyway, my plan was not really working as I could not get a job in Middlesbrough. No matter how hard I tried, the jobs just weren't there. I struggled to find the minimum of two jobs I needed to apply for per week. I look back and think how ridiculous that is. Retail is my sector, and its thriving in big cities but its just on its knees in Middlesbrough. Its a small town and there is a slow staff turnaround. Once you find a job, you keep it. So there was rarely much recruitment going on. Also the recession hit Middlesbrough really bad. Meanwhile as things were getting worse at home I was wondering how I could make it out. Should I stick with it and put up with the daily crap I was getting from a younger sibling and my father? After all there was no physical abuse. It was just words. Words don't hurt, I'd tell myself. But they did. I felt like I couldn't put a foot wrong in front of anyone. I was almost constantly walking on eggshells. The only respite I truly got was work. I was cleaning a house once a week and it was the only time I was truly alone. Even in my room I felt like I didn't get enough privacy.

I was getting more bad days than good. The situation at home was driving me crazy. I would sit in my room and cry. I just felt down, like there wasn't a way out. When was I going to be able to live life on my own terms? It felt like a long way in the future if it ever was going to happen. Meanwhile, suspicion was rising amongst two members of my family. They wanted to confront me. They kind of did that night. I was asked if I was in a relationship. I refused to answer and I tried to leave the room. I was blocked by a family member who is taller and bigger than me. I just wanted to go upstairs and cry. So I did. I realised I had to go. So I called the domestic violence helpline. I've done it in the past but told myself I didn't have to leave so I turned down their offers of help, believing I was fine. This time I said I wanted to leave, I wanted to go to a refuge. The woman on the phone agreed I had a reason to leave and go to a safe place. I decided to go far from home so I couldn't easily be found. I was given the phone number for the refuge and told to call first thing to get a place. There were only two rooms available so I needed to be quick. I got on the phone as soon as possible the next morning. I barely slept. I kept looking at my phone, wishing the time to hurry up so I could go. I packed as much as I could the night before, but obviously I could not take everything.

I needed somewhere to wait with my bags as my coach to the new place was not leaving immediately. I decided the police station was the best and safest place. Only I wasn't allowed to leave my bags there so I had to call a friend to come and help me as I had not eaten anything that day. I remember we went to Subway and its strange how normal everything felt, even though I knew I was leaving, possibly for good. I am so glad I spent that last bit of time with some good people. I love them and they know who they are. Thank you so much for all of your support and I will see you all again.

Where's my freedom?

 So I have now left home. Some of you may be reading this who know me. I did this because I wasn't allowed to do even normal things at home. My father stopped me so many times from fully expressing myself. I wasn't allowed to do a hairdressing course because it would mean cutting other people's hair, shock horror. I was told if I wanted to be a hairdresser, I could only cut my friends' hair in mine or their homes. So I was thinking, forget that, I'd rather not do the course at all if I can't go out and work in a salon like a normal person. Then came looking for work. I was basically told not to work, not directly but pretty much. My dad would say how if he could he'd buy me anything I wanted. The problem was he didn't have enough money to support me and everyone else in our family. I barely had any clothes, things were getting a bit desperate and nobody could help me. I decided to go on jobseekers allowance to tide me over until I found a job. My dad tried to persuade me not to start claiming. He said it was annoying how you are treated and I'd be better off not on it. I decided to put with that if it meant getting the money I needed to buy much needed clothes and so on. That's the problem, you can tell your daughter not to work, not to claim benefits, but can you give her an alternative? If you can't, then let her go ahead with it. Working is not such a bad thing. You learn how to budget for yourself, basically be an adult. Yes it's not all easy and there are times money is tight, I am experiencing that right now, but it's part of being in the real world. It's something I have to deal with whether I like it or not.

I then started to dress differently. I had always worn a headscarf and a jilbab, basically a black loose dress that goes over your clothing to cover it. I started to get fed up wearing the jilbab. I didn't feel like myself in it. I felt like a foreign woman, like I didn't fit in. I also wanted to get a decent job and I felt like it was holding me back. I know people will tell me I should just keep on wearing it, but I couldn't do it anymore. I was still wearing my headscarf at this point, but no jilbab. I felt comfortable, and I also felt I was covered up. I wasn't showing any skin apart from my hands and face. Everything else was still covered up. My dad wasn't happy with this. He took to explaining over and over again how a Muslim woman should dress. I said I knew, hadn't I spent many years dressed just as he was describing? I knew perfectly well what Islam says about it. It didn't stop him telling me over and over again, and in fact before I took my jilbab, some of my friends took theirs off, also their headscarves. My dad would tell me to tell them how to dress too. I refused, saying it wasn't my job to say it. Also I knew for a fact their parents were telling them to dress more Islamically too. Again, they used to dress that way so they knew how it should be. Obviously they had personal issues, same as me, which is why they had started dressing differently. Many of us had been raised being told one day we would have to dress Islamically. I felt like this like a huge weight on me as a child. I wanted to just be carefree, but in the back of my mind was one day I'd have to wear a headscarf every time I went outside, and to be honest it filled me with dread. It's not easy to do something like that. People talk about how it's expected of Muslim women to dress a certain way, but they never look upon the impact of it, or how that message is conveyed to a young girl who just wants to play and have fun. I mean I am pretty sure little boys aren't even told, oh one day you will have to grow a beard, so remember that. No, I am pretty sure for the most part boys don't have such demands placed on them at such an early age. Some Muslims talk about how non-Muslim girls are sexualised from a young age and wear make up and so on, but we do the same thing in a different way to our little girls. We tell them to dress like a grown woman, to cover herself up so a man won't look at her. What exactly are you covering up on such a young girl? Isn't the issue with men who look at young girls? We need to ask ourselves these questions, instead of ignoring the truth.

Then we come onto the freedom of choosing your own partner to settle down with. Do we really get a choice? I was told it could be anyone, as long as he was Libyan. Great. That's not really a choice. I was looking online, on matrimonial sites. Marriage for me was going to be my way out of home I decided. Even if I had to marry someone of my father's choice, at least I'd be out of the house. I was told definitely no converts, apparently there is a possibility they will leave Islam and go back to their old ways, so I was to avoid them, despite the fact my own mother is English and converted. Hmm. I decided even if I found someone different, I'd get my dad to speak to them regardless. I was the image of perfection when I was looking online. I made it clear to every man I spoke to that my father would be involved from the very beginning as I did not want to go behind his back. I never flirted with anyone and kept it completely business like. I was always told you only ever speak to a man formally, even in regards to marriage. I think I was probably pretty boring back in those days, but I was a good daughter, which was the main point right? I don't think any of that even mattered, despite being a 'good' girl, I was constantly getting told off for something or the other at home. I always scrutinised myself. What was wrong with me? Why was I getting told off? I must be a bad person, I decided. Obviously I wasn't respecting my parents as I should even though I couldn't find out what exactly I was doing to anger my father. Well my mum always seemed pretty happy with me. We got on very well and my mum knew everything about me pretty much. It was only recently I started to keep things from her as I didn't want to shame anyone in my family. I didn't want to tell them I was in a relationship with a man who isn't in our religion. I never thought it would come to that, but to me he is nicer than any Muslim man has ever been to me. I felt like I wasn't treated any better than dirt by some I came across online. They never seemed happy with me. I wasn't good looking, a few told me. Even my own grandmother said I wasn't pretty, so it must be true. I grew up hearing my brothers were handsome, one of them was charming, but no words about me. I avoided mirrors for a lot of my teen years and beyond. I was so ugly I didn't even want to look at myself. My eyes were too big, my skin is scarred from acne. I have fat cheeks and just overall not a nice looking face. Other people telling me I didn't look good just cemented what I already thought about myself in my mind. If other people can see my ugliness then it must be true.

I am now living in a women's refuge, and I have been for two months now. I plan on writing about life in here but I won't use real locations or real names to protect the ladies here and keep the location a secret.

David Cameron has a point, but he's doing it the wrong way

 Before I begin, I'll refer you to this article which goes through all the comments Prime Minister David Cameron made about Muslim women, First off, he assumes we are all immigrants and therefore didn't already know English. My mother is English and I was born and raised here. English is my first language. It's highly offensive to suggest that we don't know English when many of us have been getting on with our lives already knowing it. But I should get onto my main point.  David Cameron is doing the age old white person trying to save the poor coloured people thing. Its extremely patronising and even if there are people who need help, they're unlikely to reach out for it when it comes across like that. I know myself, I've been through it. I had someone ask me if my parents were holding me back. I denied everything because I didn't want to be seen as a victim.

The truth is I have been held back, by my own father, and my mother stayed quiet while he did it. I was extremely unhappy but felt I couldn't refuse him because I would end up getting in trouble. My dad is quite scary when he's angry with you. I would do anything to avoid that. I was taken out of school, I was told I wasn't allowed to become a hairdresser. I reluctantly let it all happen. I felt like I had no power. All throughout my mother stayed quiet. She says the same thing every time, that she can't speak because then my dad will turn his anger to her. Again and again I got upset. I see it happening with my sister now. She's doing her GCSE's. Opportunities are arising for her such as going out on trips with other teens, thinking about college to go to, what university she would like to attend. She keeps getting shot down, just like I did. She's not allowed away from home overnight, despite our brothers doing the same. She's not allowed to leave home for university, despite the fact my older brother did exactly that.

You'll see double standards like that all the time in Muslim communities. But what can anyone really do to stop it? It takes place behind closed doors. You can't save someone who isn't asking for help either, so they remain silent victims. I would hope any woman or girl who is having troubles at home will seek help because it doesn't do any good to keep on living with it. I'm 28 now and I regret so much. I'm only starting to live my life now, but its better late than never.

Remember if you're having troubles in your life, you can always speak to someone at Women's Aid. They have a 24/7 helpline and can refer you to a refuge if that's what's needed.

The stress of matrimonial websites

 Sometimes other Muslims can be your biggest critics. Like the whole getting married thing, its like you're nothing without being married. So some people seem to think they are giving you the gospel by telling you to get online and find someone. Oh really you think I just sat here twiddling my thumbs for the past almost ten years? I live in a small town, getting online to find someone was something I did very early on. I just never had the contacts here to help me. In my mind I've done all that I can to find someone, and if I choose to give up, is it anyone's business but my own? Don't tell me you know someone nice, or there's plenty of nice men and I just haven't met them yet. Just. Stop. I don't want to hear it anymore. You think I gave up after a few months of looking? I have been trying since I was 19 years old. For a long time marriage was all I ever wanted. Some of it was for the right reasons, some wrong. I wanted to settle down and have my own family before it gets too late. I also wanted to get away from my family home because its so suffocating. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't feel like I want to get away from my own family, but that's how they have made me feel, well my father in particular. I realised I wasn't in the right frame of mind anymore. Drifting away from my religion and wanting to marry someone to escape isn't right to me. It wouldn't make for a happy marriage in any case.

Then that brings me to the men. Now of course this doesn't describe all Muslim men, but its my experience. I met so many rude Muslim men online. Like so many it just got ridiculous. Many times I was told I don't look nice. Basically I'm ugly. One said my skin was too dark, him being darker than me by the way. Like its perfectly acceptable to do that. I honestly wish they would have lied for the reasons they were turning me down. I don't want to hear I'm ugly, even if you think its true. Keep it to yourself and end our conversing by just saying you don't think we're a good match or something. Don't be nasty, even if that's how you feel. It's just setting up someone to have no confidence in their looks. I don't believe people when they tell me I'm pretty. Its like I was conditioned to believe otherwise. Now that's just one piece of damage trying to get married has done to me.

One of the worst things is someone who got married so quickly and easily telling me not to give up. What would you know about it? You found someone fast. You will never understand years of being on matrimonial websites, the stress slowly rising, taking its toll. Please don't pretend to understand something you have never been through. And say I'm wrong if you want, but our religion has a part to play too. You can't have children unless you're married in Islam. So what if I never find someone? Yep, I'm just supposed to stay single forever, The truth is not everyone will get married. I have people in my family who never got married, and now they're in their 50s and 60s. Don't tell me it happens for everyone because that's just not true. Call me pessimistic if you want, but that's my life experiences. Life isn't a fairy tale where everyone gets what they expect. Or sometimes we find happiness in a different way, in a way perhaps our religion wouldn't recommend. But that's just how it works sometimes.

I'm actually happier NOT trawling through marriage websites, so don't tell me to log back on and try again. I know I probably gained a ton of grey hairs through all the stress. I stopped looking at the beginning of 2015 and its been fantastic. I just don't need it in my life at this point. If you're someone feeling the same way, take a break, even if its a few months, or a year. Just do it and clear your head. Trying to get married shouldn't feel that way.

Fighting for Independence

 This post is gonna be a bit all over the place, just to warn you. It's my thoughts and not really a properly set out blog post. I just felt the need to write out my feelings.
It's pretty tough being a Muslim sometimes. Or should I say its more of a cultural issue? Who knows anymore as the lines become pretty blurred. I hate the fact that it's so difficult to attain independence as a woman. I want to move out, have my own space, but to an Arab father, that is a huge insult. If I want to move out I need a husband. I don't believe that's the right reason to get married. I would honestly rather stay single and run my own flat, have a decent job. It has been very difficult to find regular steady work. I volunteered in a shop for over four years. I got tons of experience, but in reality it means nothing to employers and I have found pretty much all of them don't care that I volunteered my time and racked up experience. It's almost seen as 'not real'. In that job I learned to work on a till, I could use a coffee machine, making lattes and the like. All transferable skills I can use elsewhere. The shop was based in a hospital, and I got to know some of the regulars who came in often. I was a painfully shy person and it forced me to speak to people more. Even when gaming became more of an online thing, I completely avoided playing with people. I really didn't want to speak on mic either. I then found a regular weekly Uncharted 3 online playing session, but it was for my brother. Then he didn't play as much and I decided I wanted to try it out. Being on mic for the first time I was incredibly nervous, and everyone else was much more chatty than me. I wasn't used to playing with other people and I stayed quiet a lot. I slowly found my voice and made some fantastic friends for life. Gaming with a mic doesn't scare me anymore!

 I spent all my school life being quiet and invisible, except when people noticed I was different and decided to be racist. Then suddenly I wasn't invisible anymore. I started to long for the days where I went unnoticed, I would much rather that happened than be verbally or physically attacked. So what I look different? I'm mixed race, get over it and get on with your own life.

I don't think it should be seen as weird if a Muslim woman decides to live alone. How many men do it and nobody bats an eye? Is it because they think we want to do inapproriate things? Couldn't the same be said for lone men? Why pick on women only? Honestly I don't care. Let people talk. People talk no matter what you do. I'm not married and I get asked about it. My mum gets asked about it. Because apparently you are nothing if you are single. And even when you get married the pressure doesn't end, people are waiting for you to have children. Then they look down on you if you don't have boys. Like you can control that. I don't know, maybe its worse because I live in a small town. People don't have anything better to do except talk about others. I'd rather live in a city and be anonymous.

If you got this far, well done you! It has been a bit of a rant but I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe even someone else who is going through the same difficulties can relate.

Being an Ethnic Minority in Middlesbrough

 So I've lived in Middlesbrough my whole life. I was born and raised here, but my parents are from elsewhere. My mum is a Geordie and my dad is Libyan. I've pretty much always not liked this place. I had a bad time in school with racism, then when I finished school, the streets were the same. Except a lot, lot worse.....

 Imagine walking down the street and someone grabs your clothing because they don't like it. Imagine they throw things at you because of how you are dressed, or simply because you were born with a skin colour other than white. Call you racist names because they think you are foreign. Call out racist insults from moving cars as you walk on the streets of your hometown, minding your own business. I've now learned not to look at people who honk from cars, insults inevitably follow. I've even watched a man in the corner of my eye on a bus furiously giving me both his middle fingers. I hope the fact that I didn't look straight at him just made him appear like some mad man. That's pretty much how I deal with racism these days, I don't even look at the person who said the insult. I keep walking like nothing happened. I hope that makes them mad that I didn't acknowledge them, it's exactly my aim!

The Transporter Bridge, Middlesbrough

 Let's start this properly by looking back at my school days. I remember never really thinking much about my parents being from two different countries. It was normal to me and it surprised me when one day my dad came to pick me up, and some of my classmates noticed him. Now my dad has brown skin, he's several shades darker than me as I'm more of a beige colour (as I see myself anyway!). Anyway these kids were like, "that's your dad?! really?" I explained he was Arab, then after that I always had kids saying I was 'Arabic'. I was constantly correcting them, it's Arab, Arabic is a language! Things weren't too bad at this school, except when one girl called me a 'mudblood'. I was like "what's that?" I remember never hearing it again until Harry Potter was released. I always thought it was racist and was surprised to hear it being used, albeit with a different meaning. I then moved onto a different primary school as my parents wanted me to be around more kids like me. It was a great idea and worked well, except because of the diversity at this new school, there was also a bit more racism/religious hate. I was actually called a 'nigger' by one child here. I'm not even dark skinned, but because of the comments about my colour, I then started to see myself as a coloured person. I was surprised when much later I went to get my shade for foundation matched at Boots, and I'm either a medium or between fair and medium. I wasn't dark at all. Those kids were just plain nasty and picked on anything that stood out I guess.

 I do still see myself as coloured, because I'm mixed. I'm different to other people culturally too. Yes I'm half English and I can hang out with English people and it works, but then I also fit in with mixed people like me, and Arabs. It's always hard to describe being mixed. It basically means you fit into a lot of boxes, instead of one. You embrace different foods and languages, but they also belong to you. It's not foreign. With my Libyan side, there's even bits of Italian influence in there. This is because the Italians invaded Libya in 1911. As a result of this we have some Italian words in the Libyan dialect. We also eat pasta, although it's usually called 'macarona' in Libya. Some Libyans even claim pizza was invented there, but I'm not so sure!

Tripoli - my dad's home city

 I'm kind of a keyboard warrior these days. If I see any racist comments going on local pages, I'm usually there to try and change how people see ethnic minorities. Emphasis on the 'try'. The ignorant people in Middlesbrough aren't going to change any time soon, which is really sad. We have a problem with people supporting the far right in this town, and its driving people away. I'd like to see a mayoral candidate tackle that, but I highly doubt they will. Being a white male running for mayor, you're probably not thinking of the minorities, sadly. The problem is though, these minorities helped make this town what it is. Looking a bit further away, but still in the North East, my own family were working class. My granddad worked for British Rail. My grandma worked as a cleaner most of her life. But people don't know this about me, because they write me off as a foreigner. That's the problem, you distance yourself from people, you don't try to get to know about them, and you miss out. Don't be ignorant. Don't tell people to integrate when you have no desire to integrate with them. The world is a global village, take advantage of it!

Trying to get married - it's a minefield!

 I know, it's been a while since I've posted on here, but the itch is back! I thought instead of getting depressed over being single, I should point out all the terrible men that exist on marriage/matchmaking websites. For obvious reasons, I won't name these websites, nor the usernames of anyone on them, but rest assured these stories are real!

 First of all, if you managed to get married, good for you, because who the hell wants to go through years of trawling through crap to try to find a good man. You find someone right away, you're set for life (if it lasts.....) Unfortunately that doesn't happen for all of us, so spare a thought, and enjoy!

 My first pet peeve of these websites is the alarming amount of men who initiate contact, then you NEVER HEAR FROM THEM AGAIN!! This is really common. They will even act super interested, often the fact that I'm a gamer pulls them in, then maybe it pushes them away too? I know I'm a rarity. There's really not many Muslim girls who game, but instead of treating me like an oddity, just see me as a person please. Gaming is my hobby yes, but there's so much more. I never had the fact that I'm a gamer on my profile previously, but I thought it looked boring that I had no decent hobbies. My mum actually used to tell me that gaming would not get me a husband. I will prove her wrong! I think I just have to find someone on my level. You take me as I come, I won't give up gaming!

Never be anybody's second best. If they're not acting like they care enough, or they don't want to ever involve your parents, then forget them.

 Having certain things you won't budge on, a lot of people don't seem to like the fact that you won't consider just about anything. Maybe I'm controversial, but I'd prefer to be with someone from the same background as myself, or just mixed race. I feel we understand each other better. After all, how many white couples, Asian couples, African couples etc etc exist, I could go on and on. There's tons of people who don't marry out of their ethnicity, but nobody says anything. Yet I'm expected to go for anyone for some reason? No, I'll stick to what I feel is my type thanks. I'm not racist, before you pull that card. I can be friends with pretty much anyone, but when it comes to marriage I can and will be picky! Deal with it. The main reason this is something important to me is culture. We have way too many overly cultural Muslims. I think I'd rather just deal with the cultures I know well, instead of wading into uncharted waters.

 Men with unrealistic expectations. The ones who ask that you live with their family, and then also look after their mum. (that's your mum, dude, look after her!) Ones who set stupid expectations for what working will entail. Don't want you to work with men, women only. (does such a place exist?) Looking for a perfect woman, asking that you should be like Prophet Muhammed's (peace be upon him) wives. You do know perfection doesn't exist, right? Who are you to ask for a woman like that?! One guy stipulated on his profile that he didn't want a girl in a headscarf, kinda dumb since you're Muslim, its sort of kinda what we're supposed to wear?! It's only a command from God y'know! Then the one who wanted someone 'sexually compatible', because his first marriage had ended in divorce over the same issue. So you want to try someone out before marriage? Good luck with that.

 The dimwits who don't realise what joining a matrimonial site means. I've had a few saying they were on there just looking for friends. Erm, sorry to burst your bubble, but that's what Facebook is for? Why on Earth did you make an account, type up a profile, upload pictures, only to not use it for its intended purpose? Wow, you must be a special kind of stupid. Nobody likes time wasters, and this is them in another form.

 The 'friend' thing also tends to crop up because I'm a gamer. Some don't see me as marriage material, just a cool person who plays games. That's kind of annoying because wouldn't you want a wife who you can play video games with? Why relegate someone like me to the 'friend' pile? Fine if you don't want to consider me, but maybe don't message me in the first place. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

 The ones who get all mad if you don't reply right away. Let's get this straight, its not nice to ignore messages, but if the person is furiously sending lots because you didn't reply a minute after they sent it, that's just ridiculous. I will reply even if its to say I don't think we're a good match. Just don't bug me, or you get nothing but a block.

 Divorcees or people with children expecting anybody to take them on. Now I'm all for everyone getting a second, third, fourth (I could go on) chance, but not everybody can deal with that. Divorcees aren't so much of an issue, but I'm pretty sure I can't deal with looking after someone else's children and having to deal with their ex. It's not my baggage and I don't want to take it on. Don't hold it against me, because its better I say no now rather than putting us both through hell. I'm single and I've never been married, shoot me if I say I kinda want the same in my other half! I've also been to the point where I was considering a divorcee, and he was even talking to my dad, but he brought up a lot of personal information about his ex. It put me right off, I didn't need to know that, and he didn't endear himself to my dad either. C'mon man, I have an Arab dad, you can't say those things!

I think I got a lot off my chest, and it was much needed. If I was to give any advice, I'd say never give up with these sites. Especially if you are in my position, where you have no real world contacts to help you find a marriage partner. Online is pretty much my only choice right now. I never used to be open about it, but I am now. I'm not ashamed. I want to get married, to have children. My own family, my house. I'd say the number one rule of trying to find a spouse online is, don't be naive. You will find all kinds of people online, and you need to be tough about it. Don't be gullible, don't let them pull you into doing something bad, something against your morals. Stick to your guns and you should be fine. Take breaks if you ever feel jaded about finding someone. Then resume when you feel better. I do this a lot. It helps keep me refreshed.