How is it that even when faced with proof, people will protect and defend a person who isn't nice? Why is it that they don't believe when told that this person did and said things to hurt someone related to them? Have you ever thought there is a good reason this person is nice to you, but then not so nice to someone else? Why say it's a lie just because you haven't experienced it? Is racism not real just because it doesn't happen to everyone? Is domestic violence not real when outside, the perpetrator is as nice as can be to others, but behind closed doors is sadistic and evil towards their own partner? Maybe it's simply that they find it easier to stick by the opinion held by most people around them, and dare not go against it by saying, well maybe this person isn't nice..... In my opinion life is too short to stick around and stick up for horrible people. They don't deserve to be protected. We should be looking after those who need it most, watching out for them.
To those reading this, I assure you that you would not be protecting this person if you knew their past. A past that is worse than mine. All I do is live my life. Long term partner, job, flat, cat. No drinking, smoking, taking drugs or promiscuity. But I guess that matters not a jot to you. Its easier to believe that I am the bad one, so much easier, because the majority also hold this opinion. To those who stick by the bad people, consider yourselves out of my life. You're not allowed to know what is going on, if I have children, you can't meet them, you're out for good. And that's what happens when you decide to stick by a bad person. Off you trot, I know you are reading this. Why do you even come here to read it if you don't like me? Guess I'll never find out.
Saturday, 29 July 2017
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
How the DWP screw you over and keep you poor PART 2
So I get a date to start the Costa placement. Everyone is nice, too nice. I tell myself it will be fine, I can learn to make coffee, make the most of it. I end up being the cleaning girl. I fill and empty the dishwasher, over and over again throughout the day. The other staff don't touch the dishwasher when I am there, even if there is time without customers, and there was. This was a brand new, very quiet Costa, opened in an area where nobody wanted it. It's not very popular and working there, you see that right away. The store manager tells me from the get go, there is no job here after you are done. Ok great, let me finish this and get the f*** out. I constantly clear and clean tables. Refill the sugar and sweetener. The stirring sticks etc. I finally get a chance to make some coffee. Americano, cappucino, latte and coolers. The coolers are the easiest as the machine does most of the work. Put paninis in to toast, and serve up. Very easy. I make a fantastic cappucino, but since I won't be staying there, it honestly doesn't mean much. I don't even attempt a flat white (the one that always has a lovely pattern on it, takes LOTS of practice). I was made to do all of the cleaning on my first day, the other staff member didn't do any. My back and feet were broken by the end. I was rewarded with sandwiches and cakes with that day's date on for free. Ok cool, I will eat well while I'm working here. Lord knows I need it considering I am sanctioned with no way of buying food myself.
First weekend of placement comes around. I am tired with a banging headache so I call in sick. The manager sends me a text saying he was RELYING on me today. So I give in and say ok, I'll come in. He punishes me by not letting me attend the charity event at the local park, the one that he said he was relying on me for....... OK whatever, be a baby. That same day, I do the usual, clean tables when needed, load and unload the dishwasher. I was due to leave a couple of hours before closing that day, but another staff member says they need me to stay on. She also tells me to go and clean tables I already cleaned. I declined to stay. I told her I just cleaned those tables, why do they need done again? I grab spray and cloth anyway and go off in a huff to do it all over again. Some of the tables are still wet from me cleaning them just before. I clean them anyway, just to make a point. I complain to the manager about how I was treated. He says if she tells you to clean, you do it. He points out things from my CV, jobs that didn't last long. He talks about how he started at TGI Fridays as a plate washer or whatever. How he worked hard to get where he is, and obviously I have done nothing in my life, clearly. I have actually had to overcome many personal challenges, you won't see that in my CV. I went to school up to year 7, after which my parents removed me for religious reasons. I took myself to college and courses to try and get myself looking clever on paper. I left home and lived in a refuge. But you know, he worked at TGI Fridays and became a Costa manager, so who gives a flying f*** what I overcame.
My bus ticket runs out at the beginning of the second week. I try to get another one from the jobcentre, but they refuse, telling me to walk. It's around 2 miles and with my broken feet I am not prepared to do that. The Costa manager, to his credit, bought me tickets for the last few days. I pay him back when I get refunded. It is actually the jobcentre's responsibility to fund bus travel to courses and placements that they put benefit claimants on, but you know, DETAILS.
I have another week left of the placement, thankfully still getting free sandwiches and cakes. I live off them. I eat the sandwiches for dinner when I get back every night. I eat cakes wondering how much they would have cost had I bought them. My partner helps me so I can still feed my cat and buy litter for her. He gives me some of his hard earned money here and there so I can live. I start to hate Costa sandwiches and vow to never go into a Costa ever again. I feel they and the DWP took advantage of a poor person for their own gains. DWP can pretend I am employed for a couple of weeks and Costa get free labour. No need to employ the person after, just let them go and forget them. Never mind the fact they are a major company and can more than afford to pay someone on a work placement. If I am supposed to be experiencing real life work, doesn't that include getting paid? I'll leave that with the DWP. Shame on DWP and Costa for taking advantage of poor people.
First weekend of placement comes around. I am tired with a banging headache so I call in sick. The manager sends me a text saying he was RELYING on me today. So I give in and say ok, I'll come in. He punishes me by not letting me attend the charity event at the local park, the one that he said he was relying on me for....... OK whatever, be a baby. That same day, I do the usual, clean tables when needed, load and unload the dishwasher. I was due to leave a couple of hours before closing that day, but another staff member says they need me to stay on. She also tells me to go and clean tables I already cleaned. I declined to stay. I told her I just cleaned those tables, why do they need done again? I grab spray and cloth anyway and go off in a huff to do it all over again. Some of the tables are still wet from me cleaning them just before. I clean them anyway, just to make a point. I complain to the manager about how I was treated. He says if she tells you to clean, you do it. He points out things from my CV, jobs that didn't last long. He talks about how he started at TGI Fridays as a plate washer or whatever. How he worked hard to get where he is, and obviously I have done nothing in my life, clearly. I have actually had to overcome many personal challenges, you won't see that in my CV. I went to school up to year 7, after which my parents removed me for religious reasons. I took myself to college and courses to try and get myself looking clever on paper. I left home and lived in a refuge. But you know, he worked at TGI Fridays and became a Costa manager, so who gives a flying f*** what I overcame.
My bus ticket runs out at the beginning of the second week. I try to get another one from the jobcentre, but they refuse, telling me to walk. It's around 2 miles and with my broken feet I am not prepared to do that. The Costa manager, to his credit, bought me tickets for the last few days. I pay him back when I get refunded. It is actually the jobcentre's responsibility to fund bus travel to courses and placements that they put benefit claimants on, but you know, DETAILS.
I have another week left of the placement, thankfully still getting free sandwiches and cakes. I live off them. I eat the sandwiches for dinner when I get back every night. I eat cakes wondering how much they would have cost had I bought them. My partner helps me so I can still feed my cat and buy litter for her. He gives me some of his hard earned money here and there so I can live. I start to hate Costa sandwiches and vow to never go into a Costa ever again. I feel they and the DWP took advantage of a poor person for their own gains. DWP can pretend I am employed for a couple of weeks and Costa get free labour. No need to employ the person after, just let them go and forget them. Never mind the fact they are a major company and can more than afford to pay someone on a work placement. If I am supposed to be experiencing real life work, doesn't that include getting paid? I'll leave that with the DWP. Shame on DWP and Costa for taking advantage of poor people.
How the DWP screw you over and keep you poor
I have had possibly the worst experience in my whole life dealing with the DWP. In January after I lost my job, I signed up for benefits. I was told I had to claim Universal Credit. Ok I said, go ahead then. I was told I would have to wait up to 6 weeks for my money to come through. Fine I said, I have my last wage coming through, I can live off that until the UC comes in. I was still responsible for paying some rent, as I was when I was working. I was advised by my job coach to use most of my last wage on paying rent and council tax, meanwhile I got a food bank voucher so I didn't have to worry too much about buying food. I went on a hospitality course to pass the time while I was unemployed, which was to lead onto a work placement at Costa coffee, with no promise of a job after it, no matter how well I did. The time came for my UC to be paid, and there was nothing in my account. I called to ask why there was a delay. Oh we don't know how many bedrooms your flat has. Ok, talk to the council, they will tell you since they own it. They wouldn't. (I mean isn't it the next obvious thing to do since they didn't believe me that it only has one bedroom?!!) Next day still no money. Oh it will be paid in later today just keep checking. Nothing. I call the day after that and I am told my claim was terminated because I had an 'income'. Yes, my last pitiful wage is now an income. I was being treated like I was a secret millionaire and they had just discovered all my hidden away cash. In reality it was £505 that went fast because I was paying rent and council tax with it. No sympathy for them telling me to spend all of my last wage, leaving me with nothing to live on.
I call up in tears insisting they put me on JSA, there's no way in hell I'm waiting another 6 weeks HOPING they will pay UC this time. No, just get me on JSA, its a much shorter waiting time. I fought for it and got what I wanted. Meanwhile, I was waiting for the Costa coffee placement to start. My job coach decided to put me in job club for a month. Job club is a useless, 10-15 minute gathering of the herd of unemployed to tell them what they're doing wrong when applying for jobs. Why it has to last for a month is beyond me. I start attending job club, but the bus makes me late. 10 minutes late to be exact. I get sanctioned. My job coach then has it out for me, despite me being pretty much penniless. She obviously gets off on taunting people in poverty. I continue to attend job club, despite the fact I will get no JSA for doing so. My hardship allowance gets approved, but it will be paid nearly a week after my sanction finishes. So I 'survive' for a month on zero money, but its ok because JSA paid in £10, as my job coach reminded me, I did get SOME money. Yknow, because £10 is a lot. You could do your weekly food shop and buy gas and electric on that! For a month! While you're sanctioned!! My job coach continues to try and make my life a misery, by claiming that I came in an hour late one day. I was actually 5 minutes early, but you know, DETAILS. I'm guessing she never bothered reporting this lie, because one look at the cameras would tell you I was in there early. So my sanction stayed as it was. We could get you in here everyday if we wanted to, my job coach cackles. Pretty sure she sits around with the rest of the coven when everyone is gone, talking about all the evil things she managed to get away with that day.
Next blog post will be about the truly awful Costa coffee placement that I did while sanctioned. Stay tuned!
I call up in tears insisting they put me on JSA, there's no way in hell I'm waiting another 6 weeks HOPING they will pay UC this time. No, just get me on JSA, its a much shorter waiting time. I fought for it and got what I wanted. Meanwhile, I was waiting for the Costa coffee placement to start. My job coach decided to put me in job club for a month. Job club is a useless, 10-15 minute gathering of the herd of unemployed to tell them what they're doing wrong when applying for jobs. Why it has to last for a month is beyond me. I start attending job club, but the bus makes me late. 10 minutes late to be exact. I get sanctioned. My job coach then has it out for me, despite me being pretty much penniless. She obviously gets off on taunting people in poverty. I continue to attend job club, despite the fact I will get no JSA for doing so. My hardship allowance gets approved, but it will be paid nearly a week after my sanction finishes. So I 'survive' for a month on zero money, but its ok because JSA paid in £10, as my job coach reminded me, I did get SOME money. Yknow, because £10 is a lot. You could do your weekly food shop and buy gas and electric on that! For a month! While you're sanctioned!! My job coach continues to try and make my life a misery, by claiming that I came in an hour late one day. I was actually 5 minutes early, but you know, DETAILS. I'm guessing she never bothered reporting this lie, because one look at the cameras would tell you I was in there early. So my sanction stayed as it was. We could get you in here everyday if we wanted to, my job coach cackles. Pretty sure she sits around with the rest of the coven when everyone is gone, talking about all the evil things she managed to get away with that day.
Next blog post will be about the truly awful Costa coffee placement that I did while sanctioned. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, 6 September 2016
Fighting to be recognised
Ok, so you wouldn't think this, but there are people out there who believe some types of domestic violence are worse than others. I understand not everyone knows about the honour system, but I never thought I was going to be the only one in the women's refuge I was in to come straight out of that background, as opposed to an abusive relationship. I was never physically abused (only as a child) so not many people see it as 'real'. The 'abuse' I suffered was all mental, emotional. I had a lot of anger directed towards me. I was frequently told things like, 'what would other people think?' Keep yourself covered up. Don't draw attention to yourself. You don't need to go out. You don't need to work, just live off benefits because God forbid you go and work somewhere like a cafe. How would my father ever live it down if his daughter was seen working in a Greggs? That's not a suitable job for a woman.
But getting back to what I was talking about (I will ramble sometimes, be warned), I had someone tell me I made myself homeless. Even the staff at the refuge never said that. Someone in the refuge told me I should go back home to my father, I didn't have a reason to leave. The thing is, it's so easy to judge when you didn't live it. I hid this part of my life for so long. Even when people asked me if I was oppressed, I was so defensive about it. I wouldn't dare admit it. I remember going home after such an incident and telling my mum, well I am oppressed but they don't need to know that. Let's let those rumours about women being oppressed in Muslim households build up, but not actually do anything about it.
I would have stayed at home if I had a good example of religion, if I had a father who respected my choices even if he didn't like them. I've seen other girls do as I did. They took off their headscarves, started living more freely. They are still at home, they go out with their parents. Their parents are not ashamed of them. I remember one incident last year after I took my jilbab off (long black coat/dress that covered my clothes), and was driving some family members to a restaurant for Eid. My mother told me she didn't want to go out with me. But I was driving the car, so that was a pretty silly thing to try and dictate.
I was talking to someone at work about it, and he said he wants to study to be an alim (a knowledgable person). I told him that was fantastic and we needed more like him, who were born and raised in the UK and understand what that means for the young people. Instead of older people who come from abroad to work in mosques and have no idea what this life means for the young people. They either come in and judge others, or they do nothing at all. The latter is probably the most popular. Ironically it will come down on them as many chose to settle in the UK and have children here. Which means their kids will be the young people they tried so hard to ignore. That won't be so easy when it's in your own household.
I don't know how to get people to understand, and I'm not going to try. But this is my life, I've lived through things that affected me. That nobody else could possibly know or understand. But it's my life and my story, and that's what matters. Someone close to me recently told me that I'm a 'fucking warrior'. So I'll take that. It makes me realise my own strength.
But getting back to what I was talking about (I will ramble sometimes, be warned), I had someone tell me I made myself homeless. Even the staff at the refuge never said that. Someone in the refuge told me I should go back home to my father, I didn't have a reason to leave. The thing is, it's so easy to judge when you didn't live it. I hid this part of my life for so long. Even when people asked me if I was oppressed, I was so defensive about it. I wouldn't dare admit it. I remember going home after such an incident and telling my mum, well I am oppressed but they don't need to know that. Let's let those rumours about women being oppressed in Muslim households build up, but not actually do anything about it.
I would have stayed at home if I had a good example of religion, if I had a father who respected my choices even if he didn't like them. I've seen other girls do as I did. They took off their headscarves, started living more freely. They are still at home, they go out with their parents. Their parents are not ashamed of them. I remember one incident last year after I took my jilbab off (long black coat/dress that covered my clothes), and was driving some family members to a restaurant for Eid. My mother told me she didn't want to go out with me. But I was driving the car, so that was a pretty silly thing to try and dictate.
I was talking to someone at work about it, and he said he wants to study to be an alim (a knowledgable person). I told him that was fantastic and we needed more like him, who were born and raised in the UK and understand what that means for the young people. Instead of older people who come from abroad to work in mosques and have no idea what this life means for the young people. They either come in and judge others, or they do nothing at all. The latter is probably the most popular. Ironically it will come down on them as many chose to settle in the UK and have children here. Which means their kids will be the young people they tried so hard to ignore. That won't be so easy when it's in your own household.
I don't know how to get people to understand, and I'm not going to try. But this is my life, I've lived through things that affected me. That nobody else could possibly know or understand. But it's my life and my story, and that's what matters. Someone close to me recently told me that I'm a 'fucking warrior'. So I'll take that. It makes me realise my own strength.
Thursday, 1 September 2016
Life in a women's refuge (part 2)
So it's been a little over two months. I am settled, as much as you can be in a refuge. I have a fantastic group of friends here. Basically all the young people here hang out together, we are all in our 20's. It still doesn't stop the bad days though. I feel as though I am the only one still waiting for counselling. Most women are here because of domestic violence from a former partner. I feel like the odd one out. The one who left home because her father was the problem. It's almost like nobody else can relate. I didn't think I would be the only one in this situation. I do feel a bit alone sometimes. I just want my counselling, I really need it.
Every week we get a donation of food about to go out of date from a major supermarket. I think it's a great idea. It's a bit hit and miss though. Sometimes we get bread that has already gone hard, or fruit that has gone mouldy. But sometimes we get cake, which is the best of all, right?!? We get clothes donations too, but to this date I have not found anything that fits me. It's usually smaller sized clothes and I am a 16. I finally bought myself a new pair of trousers last week but it's put me out of pocket for this week. That's what I have to do, choose between food and something else. It's like there's never enough to do everything. Plus we pay rent here. It's not an obscene amount, but still, you have to budget for it. I really can't wait to get a job so I can do things with ease. I honestly think a lot of these times of me feeling down would also disappear if I had no money troubles.
I think I have cabin fever too. I feel like I am stuck here and I can't do anything because it all costs money. Back in my home town everything was nearby, I could walk or get a bus for cheap. I feel so poor and I hate it. I can't even treat myself ever.
(written in May 2016)
Every week we get a donation of food about to go out of date from a major supermarket. I think it's a great idea. It's a bit hit and miss though. Sometimes we get bread that has already gone hard, or fruit that has gone mouldy. But sometimes we get cake, which is the best of all, right?!? We get clothes donations too, but to this date I have not found anything that fits me. It's usually smaller sized clothes and I am a 16. I finally bought myself a new pair of trousers last week but it's put me out of pocket for this week. That's what I have to do, choose between food and something else. It's like there's never enough to do everything. Plus we pay rent here. It's not an obscene amount, but still, you have to budget for it. I really can't wait to get a job so I can do things with ease. I honestly think a lot of these times of me feeling down would also disappear if I had no money troubles.
I think I have cabin fever too. I feel like I am stuck here and I can't do anything because it all costs money. Back in my home town everything was nearby, I could walk or get a bus for cheap. I feel so poor and I hate it. I can't even treat myself ever.
(written in May 2016)
Tuesday, 10 May 2016
Life in a women's refuge (part 1)
I think it will really help me to write about how it feels to be here. Maybe I should start before I even got here. I was at home and things were getting worse. Two members of my family were suspicious of everything I did. I felt like I couldn't really do as I wanted. I'd talk on the phone in my room and family members would wonder who I was talking to, when really it shouldn't matter. It's my phone, I pay for it, does it matter who I was speaking to? As an adult woman, it really shouldn't bother anyone what I do. I'm not a teenager who has her phone paid for by her parents and needs someone to keep an eye on her. I know for a fact someone in my family was going through stuff in my room, hoping to find anything incriminating against me. And by incriminating I mean not following what they wanted me to do. Not necessarily anything bad, depends what point of view you believe in. I just think as an adult I should be able to do certain things without being questioned, or being told its wrong or that I don't know how to think for myself, or that I am naive.
I wanted to leave home for a long time, but I was biding my time. I was planning on getting a decent job then following that up with getting a flat and hopefully my own car. My father did not know of these plans as he does not approve of a woman living alone. Despite the fact that men do it all the time, but of course that's not a problem. Nobody ever questions a man's honour or reputation and he is free to do as he pleases with little to no consequences. Anyway, my plan was not really working as I could not get a job in Middlesbrough. No matter how hard I tried, the jobs just weren't there. I struggled to find the minimum of two jobs I needed to apply for per week. I look back and think how ridiculous that is. Retail is my sector, and its thriving in big cities but its just on its knees in Middlesbrough. Its a small town and there is a slow staff turnaround. Once you find a job, you keep it. So there was rarely much recruitment going on. Also the recession hit Middlesbrough really bad. Meanwhile as things were getting worse at home I was wondering how I could make it out. Should I stick with it and put up with the daily crap I was getting from a younger sibling and my father? After all there was no physical abuse. It was just words. Words don't hurt, I'd tell myself. But they did. I felt like I couldn't put a foot wrong in front of anyone. I was almost constantly walking on eggshells. The only respite I truly got was work. I was cleaning a house once a week and it was the only time I was truly alone. Even in my room I felt like I didn't get enough privacy.
I was getting more bad days than good. The situation at home was driving me crazy. I would sit in my room and cry. I just felt down, like there wasn't a way out. When was I going to be able to live life on my own terms? It felt like a long way in the future if it ever was going to happen. Meanwhile, suspicion was rising amongst two members of my family. They wanted to confront me. They kind of did that night. I was asked if I was in a relationship. I refused to answer and I tried to leave the room. I was blocked by a family member who is taller and bigger than me. I just wanted to go upstairs and cry. So I did. I realised I had to go. So I called the domestic violence helpline. I've done it in the past but told myself I didn't have to leave so I turned down their offers of help, believing I was fine. This time I said I wanted to leave, I wanted to go to a refuge. The woman on the phone agreed I had a reason to leave and go to a safe place. I decided to go far from home so I couldn't easily be found. I was given the phone number for the refuge and told to call first thing to get a place. There were only two rooms available so I needed to be quick. I got on the phone as soon as possible the next morning. I barely slept. I kept looking at my phone, wishing the time to hurry up so I could go. I packed as much as I could the night before, but obviously I could not take everything.
I needed somewhere to wait with my bags as my coach to the new place was not leaving immediately. I decided the police station was the best and safest place. Only I wasn't allowed to leave my bags there so I had to call a friend to come and help me as I had not eaten anything that day. I remember we went to Subway and its strange how normal everything felt, even though I knew I was leaving, possibly for good. I am so glad I spent that last bit of time with some good people. I love them and they know who they are. Thank you so much for all of your support and I will see you all again.
I wanted to leave home for a long time, but I was biding my time. I was planning on getting a decent job then following that up with getting a flat and hopefully my own car. My father did not know of these plans as he does not approve of a woman living alone. Despite the fact that men do it all the time, but of course that's not a problem. Nobody ever questions a man's honour or reputation and he is free to do as he pleases with little to no consequences. Anyway, my plan was not really working as I could not get a job in Middlesbrough. No matter how hard I tried, the jobs just weren't there. I struggled to find the minimum of two jobs I needed to apply for per week. I look back and think how ridiculous that is. Retail is my sector, and its thriving in big cities but its just on its knees in Middlesbrough. Its a small town and there is a slow staff turnaround. Once you find a job, you keep it. So there was rarely much recruitment going on. Also the recession hit Middlesbrough really bad. Meanwhile as things were getting worse at home I was wondering how I could make it out. Should I stick with it and put up with the daily crap I was getting from a younger sibling and my father? After all there was no physical abuse. It was just words. Words don't hurt, I'd tell myself. But they did. I felt like I couldn't put a foot wrong in front of anyone. I was almost constantly walking on eggshells. The only respite I truly got was work. I was cleaning a house once a week and it was the only time I was truly alone. Even in my room I felt like I didn't get enough privacy.
I was getting more bad days than good. The situation at home was driving me crazy. I would sit in my room and cry. I just felt down, like there wasn't a way out. When was I going to be able to live life on my own terms? It felt like a long way in the future if it ever was going to happen. Meanwhile, suspicion was rising amongst two members of my family. They wanted to confront me. They kind of did that night. I was asked if I was in a relationship. I refused to answer and I tried to leave the room. I was blocked by a family member who is taller and bigger than me. I just wanted to go upstairs and cry. So I did. I realised I had to go. So I called the domestic violence helpline. I've done it in the past but told myself I didn't have to leave so I turned down their offers of help, believing I was fine. This time I said I wanted to leave, I wanted to go to a refuge. The woman on the phone agreed I had a reason to leave and go to a safe place. I decided to go far from home so I couldn't easily be found. I was given the phone number for the refuge and told to call first thing to get a place. There were only two rooms available so I needed to be quick. I got on the phone as soon as possible the next morning. I barely slept. I kept looking at my phone, wishing the time to hurry up so I could go. I packed as much as I could the night before, but obviously I could not take everything.
I needed somewhere to wait with my bags as my coach to the new place was not leaving immediately. I decided the police station was the best and safest place. Only I wasn't allowed to leave my bags there so I had to call a friend to come and help me as I had not eaten anything that day. I remember we went to Subway and its strange how normal everything felt, even though I knew I was leaving, possibly for good. I am so glad I spent that last bit of time with some good people. I love them and they know who they are. Thank you so much for all of your support and I will see you all again.
Wednesday, 27 April 2016
Where's my freedom?
So I have now left home. Some of you may be reading this who know me. I did this because I wasn't allowed to do even normal things at home. My father stopped me so many times from fully expressing myself. I wasn't allowed to do a hairdressing course because it would mean cutting other people's hair, shock horror. I was told if I wanted to be a hairdresser, I could only cut my friends' hair in mine or their homes. So I was thinking, forget that, I'd rather not do the course at all if I can't go out and work in a salon like a normal person. Then came looking for work. I was basically told not to work, not directly but pretty much. My dad would say how if he could he'd buy me anything I wanted. The problem was he didn't have enough money to support me and everyone else in our family. I barely had any clothes, things were getting a bit desperate and nobody could help me. I decided to go on jobseekers allowance to tide me over until I found a job. My dad tried to persuade me not to start claiming. He said it was annoying how you are treated and I'd be better off not on it. I decided to put with that if it meant getting the money I needed to buy much needed clothes and so on. That's the problem, you can tell your daughter not to work, not to claim benefits, but can you give her an alternative? If you can't, then let her go ahead with it. Working is not such a bad thing. You learn how to budget for yourself, basically be an adult. Yes it's not all easy and there are times money is tight, I am experiencing that right now, but it's part of being in the real world. It's something I have to deal with whether I like it or not.
I then started to dress differently. I had always worn a headscarf and a jilbab, basically a black loose dress that goes over your clothing to cover it. I started to get fed up wearing the jilbab. I didn't feel like myself in it. I felt like a foreign woman, like I didn't fit in. I also wanted to get a decent job and I felt like it was holding me back. I know people will tell me I should just keep on wearing it, but I couldn't do it anymore. I was still wearing my headscarf at this point, but no jilbab. I felt comfortable, and I also felt I was covered up. I wasn't showing any skin apart from my hands and face. Everything else was still covered up. My dad wasn't happy with this. He took to explaining over and over again how a Muslim woman should dress. I said I knew, hadn't I spent many years dressed just as he was describing? I knew perfectly well what Islam says about it. It didn't stop him telling me over and over again, and in fact before I took my jilbab, some of my friends took theirs off, also their headscarves. My dad would tell me to tell them how to dress too. I refused, saying it wasn't my job to say it. Also I knew for a fact their parents were telling them to dress more Islamically too. Again, they used to dress that way so they knew how it should be. Obviously they had personal issues, same as me, which is why they had started dressing differently. Many of us had been raised being told one day we would have to dress Islamically. I felt like this like a huge weight on me as a child. I wanted to just be carefree, but in the back of my mind was one day I'd have to wear a headscarf every time I went outside, and to be honest it filled me with dread. It's not easy to do something like that. People talk about how it's expected of Muslim women to dress a certain way, but they never look upon the impact of it, or how that message is conveyed to a young girl who just wants to play and have fun. I mean I am pretty sure little boys aren't even told, oh one day you will have to grow a beard, so remember that. No, I am pretty sure for the most part boys don't have such demands placed on them at such an early age. Some Muslims talk about how non-Muslim girls are sexualised from a young age and wear make up and so on, but we do the same thing in a different way to our little girls. We tell them to dress like a grown woman, to cover herself up so a man won't look at her. What exactly are you covering up on such a young girl? Isn't the issue with men who look at young girls? We need to ask ourselves these questions, instead of ignoring the truth.
Then we come onto the freedom of choosing your own partner to settle down with. Do we really get a choice? I was told it could be anyone, as long as he was Libyan. Great. That's not really a choice. I was looking online, on matrimonial sites. Marriage for me was going to be my way out of home I decided. Even if I had to marry someone of my father's choice, at least I'd be out of the house. I was told definitely no converts, apparently there is a possibility they will leave Islam and go back to their old ways, so I was to avoid them, despite the fact my own mother is English and converted. Hmm. I decided even if I found someone different, I'd get my dad to speak to them regardless. I was the image of perfection when I was looking online. I made it clear to every man I spoke to that my father would be involved from the very beginning as I did not want to go behind his back. I never flirted with anyone and kept it completely business like. I was always told you only ever speak to a man formally, even in regards to marriage. I think I was probably pretty boring back in those days, but I was a good daughter, which was the main point right? I don't think any of that even mattered, despite being a 'good' girl, I was constantly getting told off for something or the other at home. I always scrutinised myself. What was wrong with me? Why was I getting told off? I must be a bad person, I decided. Obviously I wasn't respecting my parents as I should even though I couldn't find out what exactly I was doing to anger my father. Well my mum always seemed pretty happy with me. We got on very well and my mum knew everything about me pretty much. It was only recently I started to keep things from her as I didn't want to shame anyone in my family. I didn't want to tell them I was in a relationship with a man who isn't in our religion. I never thought it would come to that, but to me he is nicer than any Muslim man has ever been to me. I felt like I wasn't treated any better than dirt by some I came across online. They never seemed happy with me. I wasn't good looking, a few told me. Even my own grandmother said I wasn't pretty, so it must be true. I grew up hearing my brothers were handsome, one of them was charming, but no words about me. I avoided mirrors for a lot of my teen years and beyond. I was so ugly I didn't even want to look at myself. My eyes were too big, my skin is scarred from acne. I have fat cheeks and just overall not a nice looking face. Other people telling me I didn't look good just cemented what I already thought about myself in my mind. If other people can see my ugliness then it must be true.
I am now living in a women's refuge, and I have been for two months now. I plan on writing about life in here but I won't use real locations or real names to protect the ladies here and keep the location a secret.
I then started to dress differently. I had always worn a headscarf and a jilbab, basically a black loose dress that goes over your clothing to cover it. I started to get fed up wearing the jilbab. I didn't feel like myself in it. I felt like a foreign woman, like I didn't fit in. I also wanted to get a decent job and I felt like it was holding me back. I know people will tell me I should just keep on wearing it, but I couldn't do it anymore. I was still wearing my headscarf at this point, but no jilbab. I felt comfortable, and I also felt I was covered up. I wasn't showing any skin apart from my hands and face. Everything else was still covered up. My dad wasn't happy with this. He took to explaining over and over again how a Muslim woman should dress. I said I knew, hadn't I spent many years dressed just as he was describing? I knew perfectly well what Islam says about it. It didn't stop him telling me over and over again, and in fact before I took my jilbab, some of my friends took theirs off, also their headscarves. My dad would tell me to tell them how to dress too. I refused, saying it wasn't my job to say it. Also I knew for a fact their parents were telling them to dress more Islamically too. Again, they used to dress that way so they knew how it should be. Obviously they had personal issues, same as me, which is why they had started dressing differently. Many of us had been raised being told one day we would have to dress Islamically. I felt like this like a huge weight on me as a child. I wanted to just be carefree, but in the back of my mind was one day I'd have to wear a headscarf every time I went outside, and to be honest it filled me with dread. It's not easy to do something like that. People talk about how it's expected of Muslim women to dress a certain way, but they never look upon the impact of it, or how that message is conveyed to a young girl who just wants to play and have fun. I mean I am pretty sure little boys aren't even told, oh one day you will have to grow a beard, so remember that. No, I am pretty sure for the most part boys don't have such demands placed on them at such an early age. Some Muslims talk about how non-Muslim girls are sexualised from a young age and wear make up and so on, but we do the same thing in a different way to our little girls. We tell them to dress like a grown woman, to cover herself up so a man won't look at her. What exactly are you covering up on such a young girl? Isn't the issue with men who look at young girls? We need to ask ourselves these questions, instead of ignoring the truth.
Then we come onto the freedom of choosing your own partner to settle down with. Do we really get a choice? I was told it could be anyone, as long as he was Libyan. Great. That's not really a choice. I was looking online, on matrimonial sites. Marriage for me was going to be my way out of home I decided. Even if I had to marry someone of my father's choice, at least I'd be out of the house. I was told definitely no converts, apparently there is a possibility they will leave Islam and go back to their old ways, so I was to avoid them, despite the fact my own mother is English and converted. Hmm. I decided even if I found someone different, I'd get my dad to speak to them regardless. I was the image of perfection when I was looking online. I made it clear to every man I spoke to that my father would be involved from the very beginning as I did not want to go behind his back. I never flirted with anyone and kept it completely business like. I was always told you only ever speak to a man formally, even in regards to marriage. I think I was probably pretty boring back in those days, but I was a good daughter, which was the main point right? I don't think any of that even mattered, despite being a 'good' girl, I was constantly getting told off for something or the other at home. I always scrutinised myself. What was wrong with me? Why was I getting told off? I must be a bad person, I decided. Obviously I wasn't respecting my parents as I should even though I couldn't find out what exactly I was doing to anger my father. Well my mum always seemed pretty happy with me. We got on very well and my mum knew everything about me pretty much. It was only recently I started to keep things from her as I didn't want to shame anyone in my family. I didn't want to tell them I was in a relationship with a man who isn't in our religion. I never thought it would come to that, but to me he is nicer than any Muslim man has ever been to me. I felt like I wasn't treated any better than dirt by some I came across online. They never seemed happy with me. I wasn't good looking, a few told me. Even my own grandmother said I wasn't pretty, so it must be true. I grew up hearing my brothers were handsome, one of them was charming, but no words about me. I avoided mirrors for a lot of my teen years and beyond. I was so ugly I didn't even want to look at myself. My eyes were too big, my skin is scarred from acne. I have fat cheeks and just overall not a nice looking face. Other people telling me I didn't look good just cemented what I already thought about myself in my mind. If other people can see my ugliness then it must be true.
I am now living in a women's refuge, and I have been for two months now. I plan on writing about life in here but I won't use real locations or real names to protect the ladies here and keep the location a secret.
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
David Cameron has a point, but he's doing it the wrong way
Before I begin, I'll refer you to this article which goes through all the comments Prime Minister David Cameron made about Muslim women, First off, he assumes we are all immigrants and therefore didn't already know English. My mother is English and I was born and raised here. English is my first language. It's highly offensive to suggest that we don't know English when many of us have been getting on with our lives already knowing it. But I should get onto my main point. David Cameron is doing the age old white person trying to save the poor coloured people thing. Its extremely patronising and even if there are people who need help, they're unlikely to reach out for it when it comes across like that. I know myself, I've been through it. I had someone ask me if my parents were holding me back. I denied everything because I didn't want to be seen as a victim.
The truth is I have been held back, by my own father, and my mother stayed quiet while he did it. I was extremely unhappy but felt I couldn't refuse him because I would end up getting in trouble. My dad is quite scary when he's angry with you. I would do anything to avoid that. I was taken out of school, I was told I wasn't allowed to become a hairdresser. I reluctantly let it all happen. I felt like I had no power. All throughout my mother stayed quiet. She says the same thing every time, that she can't speak because then my dad will turn his anger to her. Again and again I got upset. I see it happening with my sister now. She's doing her GCSE's. Opportunities are arising for her such as going out on trips with other teens, thinking about college to go to, what university she would like to attend. She keeps getting shot down, just like I did. She's not allowed away from home overnight, despite our brothers doing the same. She's not allowed to leave home for university, despite the fact my older brother did exactly that.
You'll see double standards like that all the time in Muslim communities. But what can anyone really do to stop it? It takes place behind closed doors. You can't save someone who isn't asking for help either, so they remain silent victims. I would hope any woman or girl who is having troubles at home will seek help because it doesn't do any good to keep on living with it. I'm 28 now and I regret so much. I'm only starting to live my life now, but its better late than never.
Remember if you're having troubles in your life, you can always speak to someone at Women's Aid. They have a 24/7 helpline and can refer you to a refuge if that's what's needed.
Saturday, 26 December 2015
The stress of matrimonial websites
Sometimes other Muslims can be your biggest critics. Like the whole getting married thing, its like you're nothing without being married. So some people seem to think they are giving you the gospel by telling you to get online and find someone. Oh really you think I just sat here twiddling my thumbs for the past almost ten years? I live in a small town, getting online to find someone was something I did very early on. I just never had the contacts here to help me. In my mind I've done all that I can to find someone, and if I choose to give up, is it anyone's business but my own? Don't tell me you know someone nice, or there's plenty of nice men and I just haven't met them yet. Just. Stop. I don't want to hear it anymore. You think I gave up after a few months of looking? I have been trying since I was 19 years old. For a long time marriage was all I ever wanted. Some of it was for the right reasons, some wrong. I wanted to settle down and have my own family before it gets too late. I also wanted to get away from my family home because its so suffocating. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't feel like I want to get away from my own family, but that's how they have made me feel, well my father in particular. I realised I wasn't in the right frame of mind anymore. Drifting away from my religion and wanting to marry someone to escape isn't right to me. It wouldn't make for a happy marriage in any case.
Then that brings me to the men. Now of course this doesn't describe all Muslim men, but its my experience. I met so many rude Muslim men online. Like so many it just got ridiculous. Many times I was told I don't look nice. Basically I'm ugly. One said my skin was too dark, him being darker than me by the way. Like its perfectly acceptable to do that. I honestly wish they would have lied for the reasons they were turning me down. I don't want to hear I'm ugly, even if you think its true. Keep it to yourself and end our conversing by just saying you don't think we're a good match or something. Don't be nasty, even if that's how you feel. It's just setting up someone to have no confidence in their looks. I don't believe people when they tell me I'm pretty. Its like I was conditioned to believe otherwise. Now that's just one piece of damage trying to get married has done to me.
One of the worst things is someone who got married so quickly and easily telling me not to give up. What would you know about it? You found someone fast. You will never understand years of being on matrimonial websites, the stress slowly rising, taking its toll. Please don't pretend to understand something you have never been through. And say I'm wrong if you want, but our religion has a part to play too. You can't have children unless you're married in Islam. So what if I never find someone? Yep, I'm just supposed to stay single forever, The truth is not everyone will get married. I have people in my family who never got married, and now they're in their 50s and 60s. Don't tell me it happens for everyone because that's just not true. Call me pessimistic if you want, but that's my life experiences. Life isn't a fairy tale where everyone gets what they expect. Or sometimes we find happiness in a different way, in a way perhaps our religion wouldn't recommend. But that's just how it works sometimes.
I'm actually happier NOT trawling through marriage websites, so don't tell me to log back on and try again. I know I probably gained a ton of grey hairs through all the stress. I stopped looking at the beginning of 2015 and its been fantastic. I just don't need it in my life at this point. If you're someone feeling the same way, take a break, even if its a few months, or a year. Just do it and clear your head. Trying to get married shouldn't feel that way.
Then that brings me to the men. Now of course this doesn't describe all Muslim men, but its my experience. I met so many rude Muslim men online. Like so many it just got ridiculous. Many times I was told I don't look nice. Basically I'm ugly. One said my skin was too dark, him being darker than me by the way. Like its perfectly acceptable to do that. I honestly wish they would have lied for the reasons they were turning me down. I don't want to hear I'm ugly, even if you think its true. Keep it to yourself and end our conversing by just saying you don't think we're a good match or something. Don't be nasty, even if that's how you feel. It's just setting up someone to have no confidence in their looks. I don't believe people when they tell me I'm pretty. Its like I was conditioned to believe otherwise. Now that's just one piece of damage trying to get married has done to me.
One of the worst things is someone who got married so quickly and easily telling me not to give up. What would you know about it? You found someone fast. You will never understand years of being on matrimonial websites, the stress slowly rising, taking its toll. Please don't pretend to understand something you have never been through. And say I'm wrong if you want, but our religion has a part to play too. You can't have children unless you're married in Islam. So what if I never find someone? Yep, I'm just supposed to stay single forever, The truth is not everyone will get married. I have people in my family who never got married, and now they're in their 50s and 60s. Don't tell me it happens for everyone because that's just not true. Call me pessimistic if you want, but that's my life experiences. Life isn't a fairy tale where everyone gets what they expect. Or sometimes we find happiness in a different way, in a way perhaps our religion wouldn't recommend. But that's just how it works sometimes.
I'm actually happier NOT trawling through marriage websites, so don't tell me to log back on and try again. I know I probably gained a ton of grey hairs through all the stress. I stopped looking at the beginning of 2015 and its been fantastic. I just don't need it in my life at this point. If you're someone feeling the same way, take a break, even if its a few months, or a year. Just do it and clear your head. Trying to get married shouldn't feel that way.
Friday, 5 June 2015
Fighting for Independence
This post is gonna be a bit all over the place, just to warn you. It's my thoughts and not really a properly set out blog post. I just felt the need to write out my feelings.
It's pretty tough being a Muslim sometimes. Or should I say its more of a cultural issue? Who knows anymore as the lines become pretty blurred. I hate the fact that it's so difficult to attain independence as a woman. I want to move out, have my own space, but to an Arab father, that is a huge insult. If I want to move out I need a husband. I don't believe that's the right reason to get married. I would honestly rather stay single and run my own flat, have a decent job. It has been very difficult to find regular steady work. I volunteered in a shop for over four years. I got tons of experience, but in reality it means nothing to employers and I have found pretty much all of them don't care that I volunteered my time and racked up experience. It's almost seen as 'not real'. In that job I learned to work on a till, I could use a coffee machine, making lattes and the like. All transferable skills I can use elsewhere. The shop was based in a hospital, and I got to know some of the regulars who came in often. I was a painfully shy person and it forced me to speak to people more. Even when gaming became more of an online thing, I completely avoided playing with people. I really didn't want to speak on mic either. I then found a regular weekly Uncharted 3 online playing session, but it was for my brother. Then he didn't play as much and I decided I wanted to try it out. Being on mic for the first time I was incredibly nervous, and everyone else was much more chatty than me. I wasn't used to playing with other people and I stayed quiet a lot. I slowly found my voice and made some fantastic friends for life. Gaming with a mic doesn't scare me anymore!
I spent all my school life being quiet and invisible, except when people noticed I was different and decided to be racist. Then suddenly I wasn't invisible anymore. I started to long for the days where I went unnoticed, I would much rather that happened than be verbally or physically attacked. So what I look different? I'm mixed race, get over it and get on with your own life.
I don't think it should be seen as weird if a Muslim woman decides to live alone. How many men do it and nobody bats an eye? Is it because they think we want to do inapproriate things? Couldn't the same be said for lone men? Why pick on women only? Honestly I don't care. Let people talk. People talk no matter what you do. I'm not married and I get asked about it. My mum gets asked about it. Because apparently you are nothing if you are single. And even when you get married the pressure doesn't end, people are waiting for you to have children. Then they look down on you if you don't have boys. Like you can control that. I don't know, maybe its worse because I live in a small town. People don't have anything better to do except talk about others. I'd rather live in a city and be anonymous.
If you got this far, well done you! It has been a bit of a rant but I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe even someone else who is going through the same difficulties can relate.
It's pretty tough being a Muslim sometimes. Or should I say its more of a cultural issue? Who knows anymore as the lines become pretty blurred. I hate the fact that it's so difficult to attain independence as a woman. I want to move out, have my own space, but to an Arab father, that is a huge insult. If I want to move out I need a husband. I don't believe that's the right reason to get married. I would honestly rather stay single and run my own flat, have a decent job. It has been very difficult to find regular steady work. I volunteered in a shop for over four years. I got tons of experience, but in reality it means nothing to employers and I have found pretty much all of them don't care that I volunteered my time and racked up experience. It's almost seen as 'not real'. In that job I learned to work on a till, I could use a coffee machine, making lattes and the like. All transferable skills I can use elsewhere. The shop was based in a hospital, and I got to know some of the regulars who came in often. I was a painfully shy person and it forced me to speak to people more. Even when gaming became more of an online thing, I completely avoided playing with people. I really didn't want to speak on mic either. I then found a regular weekly Uncharted 3 online playing session, but it was for my brother. Then he didn't play as much and I decided I wanted to try it out. Being on mic for the first time I was incredibly nervous, and everyone else was much more chatty than me. I wasn't used to playing with other people and I stayed quiet a lot. I slowly found my voice and made some fantastic friends for life. Gaming with a mic doesn't scare me anymore!
I spent all my school life being quiet and invisible, except when people noticed I was different and decided to be racist. Then suddenly I wasn't invisible anymore. I started to long for the days where I went unnoticed, I would much rather that happened than be verbally or physically attacked. So what I look different? I'm mixed race, get over it and get on with your own life.
I don't think it should be seen as weird if a Muslim woman decides to live alone. How many men do it and nobody bats an eye? Is it because they think we want to do inapproriate things? Couldn't the same be said for lone men? Why pick on women only? Honestly I don't care. Let people talk. People talk no matter what you do. I'm not married and I get asked about it. My mum gets asked about it. Because apparently you are nothing if you are single. And even when you get married the pressure doesn't end, people are waiting for you to have children. Then they look down on you if you don't have boys. Like you can control that. I don't know, maybe its worse because I live in a small town. People don't have anything better to do except talk about others. I'd rather live in a city and be anonymous.
If you got this far, well done you! It has been a bit of a rant but I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe even someone else who is going through the same difficulties can relate.
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
Being an Ethnic Minority in Middlesbrough
So I've lived in Middlesbrough my whole life. I was born and raised here, but my parents are from elsewhere. My mum is a Geordie and my dad is Libyan. I've pretty much always not liked this place. I had a bad time in school with racism, then when I finished school, the streets were the same. Except a lot, lot worse.....
Imagine walking down the street and someone grabs your clothing because they don't like it. Imagine they throw things at you because of how you are dressed, or simply because you were born with a skin colour other than white. Call you racist names because they think you are foreign. Call out racist insults from moving cars as you walk on the streets of your hometown, minding your own business. I've now learned not to look at people who honk from cars, insults inevitably follow. I've even watched a man in the corner of my eye on a bus furiously giving me both his middle fingers. I hope the fact that I didn't look straight at him just made him appear like some mad man. That's pretty much how I deal with racism these days, I don't even look at the person who said the insult. I keep walking like nothing happened. I hope that makes them mad that I didn't acknowledge them, it's exactly my aim!
Let's start this properly by looking back at my school days. I remember never really thinking much about my parents being from two different countries. It was normal to me and it surprised me when one day my dad came to pick me up, and some of my classmates noticed him. Now my dad has brown skin, he's several shades darker than me as I'm more of a beige colour (as I see myself anyway!). Anyway these kids were like, "that's your dad?! really?" I explained he was Arab, then after that I always had kids saying I was 'Arabic'. I was constantly correcting them, it's Arab, Arabic is a language! Things weren't too bad at this school, except when one girl called me a 'mudblood'. I was like "what's that?" I remember never hearing it again until Harry Potter was released. I always thought it was racist and was surprised to hear it being used, albeit with a different meaning. I then moved onto a different primary school as my parents wanted me to be around more kids like me. It was a great idea and worked well, except because of the diversity at this new school, there was also a bit more racism/religious hate. I was actually called a 'nigger' by one child here. I'm not even dark skinned, but because of the comments about my colour, I then started to see myself as a coloured person. I was surprised when much later I went to get my shade for foundation matched at Boots, and I'm either a medium or between fair and medium. I wasn't dark at all. Those kids were just plain nasty and picked on anything that stood out I guess.
I do still see myself as coloured, because I'm mixed. I'm different to other people culturally too. Yes I'm half English and I can hang out with English people and it works, but then I also fit in with mixed people like me, and Arabs. It's always hard to describe being mixed. It basically means you fit into a lot of boxes, instead of one. You embrace different foods and languages, but they also belong to you. It's not foreign. With my Libyan side, there's even bits of Italian influence in there. This is because the Italians invaded Libya in 1911. As a result of this we have some Italian words in the Libyan dialect. We also eat pasta, although it's usually called 'macarona' in Libya. Some Libyans even claim pizza was invented there, but I'm not so sure!
I'm kind of a keyboard warrior these days. If I see any racist comments going on local pages, I'm usually there to try and change how people see ethnic minorities. Emphasis on the 'try'. The ignorant people in Middlesbrough aren't going to change any time soon, which is really sad. We have a problem with people supporting the far right in this town, and its driving people away. I'd like to see a mayoral candidate tackle that, but I highly doubt they will. Being a white male running for mayor, you're probably not thinking of the minorities, sadly. The problem is though, these minorities helped make this town what it is. Looking a bit further away, but still in the North East, my own family were working class. My granddad worked for British Rail. My grandma worked as a cleaner most of her life. But people don't know this about me, because they write me off as a foreigner. That's the problem, you distance yourself from people, you don't try to get to know about them, and you miss out. Don't be ignorant. Don't tell people to integrate when you have no desire to integrate with them. The world is a global village, take advantage of it!
Imagine walking down the street and someone grabs your clothing because they don't like it. Imagine they throw things at you because of how you are dressed, or simply because you were born with a skin colour other than white. Call you racist names because they think you are foreign. Call out racist insults from moving cars as you walk on the streets of your hometown, minding your own business. I've now learned not to look at people who honk from cars, insults inevitably follow. I've even watched a man in the corner of my eye on a bus furiously giving me both his middle fingers. I hope the fact that I didn't look straight at him just made him appear like some mad man. That's pretty much how I deal with racism these days, I don't even look at the person who said the insult. I keep walking like nothing happened. I hope that makes them mad that I didn't acknowledge them, it's exactly my aim!
The Transporter Bridge, Middlesbrough
Let's start this properly by looking back at my school days. I remember never really thinking much about my parents being from two different countries. It was normal to me and it surprised me when one day my dad came to pick me up, and some of my classmates noticed him. Now my dad has brown skin, he's several shades darker than me as I'm more of a beige colour (as I see myself anyway!). Anyway these kids were like, "that's your dad?! really?" I explained he was Arab, then after that I always had kids saying I was 'Arabic'. I was constantly correcting them, it's Arab, Arabic is a language! Things weren't too bad at this school, except when one girl called me a 'mudblood'. I was like "what's that?" I remember never hearing it again until Harry Potter was released. I always thought it was racist and was surprised to hear it being used, albeit with a different meaning. I then moved onto a different primary school as my parents wanted me to be around more kids like me. It was a great idea and worked well, except because of the diversity at this new school, there was also a bit more racism/religious hate. I was actually called a 'nigger' by one child here. I'm not even dark skinned, but because of the comments about my colour, I then started to see myself as a coloured person. I was surprised when much later I went to get my shade for foundation matched at Boots, and I'm either a medium or between fair and medium. I wasn't dark at all. Those kids were just plain nasty and picked on anything that stood out I guess.
I do still see myself as coloured, because I'm mixed. I'm different to other people culturally too. Yes I'm half English and I can hang out with English people and it works, but then I also fit in with mixed people like me, and Arabs. It's always hard to describe being mixed. It basically means you fit into a lot of boxes, instead of one. You embrace different foods and languages, but they also belong to you. It's not foreign. With my Libyan side, there's even bits of Italian influence in there. This is because the Italians invaded Libya in 1911. As a result of this we have some Italian words in the Libyan dialect. We also eat pasta, although it's usually called 'macarona' in Libya. Some Libyans even claim pizza was invented there, but I'm not so sure!
Tripoli - my dad's home city
I'm kind of a keyboard warrior these days. If I see any racist comments going on local pages, I'm usually there to try and change how people see ethnic minorities. Emphasis on the 'try'. The ignorant people in Middlesbrough aren't going to change any time soon, which is really sad. We have a problem with people supporting the far right in this town, and its driving people away. I'd like to see a mayoral candidate tackle that, but I highly doubt they will. Being a white male running for mayor, you're probably not thinking of the minorities, sadly. The problem is though, these minorities helped make this town what it is. Looking a bit further away, but still in the North East, my own family were working class. My granddad worked for British Rail. My grandma worked as a cleaner most of her life. But people don't know this about me, because they write me off as a foreigner. That's the problem, you distance yourself from people, you don't try to get to know about them, and you miss out. Don't be ignorant. Don't tell people to integrate when you have no desire to integrate with them. The world is a global village, take advantage of it!
Monday, 5 January 2015
Trying to get married - it's a minefield!
I know, it's been a while since I've posted on here, but the itch is back! I thought instead of getting depressed over being single, I should point out all the terrible men that exist on marriage/matchmaking websites. For obvious reasons, I won't name these websites, nor the usernames of anyone on them, but rest assured these stories are real!
First of all, if you managed to get married, good for you, because who the hell wants to go through years of trawling through crap to try to find a good man. You find someone right away, you're set for life (if it lasts.....) Unfortunately that doesn't happen for all of us, so spare a thought, and enjoy!
My first pet peeve of these websites is the alarming amount of men who initiate contact, then you NEVER HEAR FROM THEM AGAIN!! This is really common. They will even act super interested, often the fact that I'm a gamer pulls them in, then maybe it pushes them away too? I know I'm a rarity. There's really not many Muslim girls who game, but instead of treating me like an oddity, just see me as a person please. Gaming is my hobby yes, but there's so much more. I never had the fact that I'm a gamer on my profile previously, but I thought it looked boring that I had no decent hobbies. My mum actually used to tell me that gaming would not get me a husband. I will prove her wrong! I think I just have to find someone on my level. You take me as I come, I won't give up gaming!
Never be anybody's second best. If they're not acting like they care enough, or they don't want to ever involve your parents, then forget them.
Having certain things you won't budge on, a lot of people don't seem to like the fact that you won't consider just about anything. Maybe I'm controversial, but I'd prefer to be with someone from the same background as myself, or just mixed race. I feel we understand each other better. After all, how many white couples, Asian couples, African couples etc etc exist, I could go on and on. There's tons of people who don't marry out of their ethnicity, but nobody says anything. Yet I'm expected to go for anyone for some reason? No, I'll stick to what I feel is my type thanks. I'm not racist, before you pull that card. I can be friends with pretty much anyone, but when it comes to marriage I can and will be picky! Deal with it. The main reason this is something important to me is culture. We have way too many overly cultural Muslims. I think I'd rather just deal with the cultures I know well, instead of wading into uncharted waters.
Men with unrealistic expectations. The ones who ask that you live with their family, and then also look after their mum. (that's your mum, dude, look after her!) Ones who set stupid expectations for what working will entail. Don't want you to work with men, women only. (does such a place exist?) Looking for a perfect woman, asking that you should be like Prophet Muhammed's (peace be upon him) wives. You do know perfection doesn't exist, right? Who are you to ask for a woman like that?! One guy stipulated on his profile that he didn't want a girl in a headscarf, kinda dumb since you're Muslim, its sort of kinda what we're supposed to wear?! It's only a command from God y'know! Then the one who wanted someone 'sexually compatible', because his first marriage had ended in divorce over the same issue. So you want to try someone out before marriage? Good luck with that.
The dimwits who don't realise what joining a matrimonial site means. I've had a few saying they were on there just looking for friends. Erm, sorry to burst your bubble, but that's what Facebook is for? Why on Earth did you make an account, type up a profile, upload pictures, only to not use it for its intended purpose? Wow, you must be a special kind of stupid. Nobody likes time wasters, and this is them in another form.
The 'friend' thing also tends to crop up because I'm a gamer. Some don't see me as marriage material, just a cool person who plays games. That's kind of annoying because wouldn't you want a wife who you can play video games with? Why relegate someone like me to the 'friend' pile? Fine if you don't want to consider me, but maybe don't message me in the first place. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!
The ones who get all mad if you don't reply right away. Let's get this straight, its not nice to ignore messages, but if the person is furiously sending lots because you didn't reply a minute after they sent it, that's just ridiculous. I will reply even if its to say I don't think we're a good match. Just don't bug me, or you get nothing but a block.
Divorcees or people with children expecting anybody to take them on. Now I'm all for everyone getting a second, third, fourth (I could go on) chance, but not everybody can deal with that. Divorcees aren't so much of an issue, but I'm pretty sure I can't deal with looking after someone else's children and having to deal with their ex. It's not my baggage and I don't want to take it on. Don't hold it against me, because its better I say no now rather than putting us both through hell. I'm single and I've never been married, shoot me if I say I kinda want the same in my other half! I've also been to the point where I was considering a divorcee, and he was even talking to my dad, but he brought up a lot of personal information about his ex. It put me right off, I didn't need to know that, and he didn't endear himself to my dad either. C'mon man, I have an Arab dad, you can't say those things!
I think I got a lot off my chest, and it was much needed. If I was to give any advice, I'd say never give up with these sites. Especially if you are in my position, where you have no real world contacts to help you find a marriage partner. Online is pretty much my only choice right now. I never used to be open about it, but I am now. I'm not ashamed. I want to get married, to have children. My own family, my house. I'd say the number one rule of trying to find a spouse online is, don't be naive. You will find all kinds of people online, and you need to be tough about it. Don't be gullible, don't let them pull you into doing something bad, something against your morals. Stick to your guns and you should be fine. Take breaks if you ever feel jaded about finding someone. Then resume when you feel better. I do this a lot. It helps keep me refreshed.
First of all, if you managed to get married, good for you, because who the hell wants to go through years of trawling through crap to try to find a good man. You find someone right away, you're set for life (if it lasts.....) Unfortunately that doesn't happen for all of us, so spare a thought, and enjoy!
My first pet peeve of these websites is the alarming amount of men who initiate contact, then you NEVER HEAR FROM THEM AGAIN!! This is really common. They will even act super interested, often the fact that I'm a gamer pulls them in, then maybe it pushes them away too? I know I'm a rarity. There's really not many Muslim girls who game, but instead of treating me like an oddity, just see me as a person please. Gaming is my hobby yes, but there's so much more. I never had the fact that I'm a gamer on my profile previously, but I thought it looked boring that I had no decent hobbies. My mum actually used to tell me that gaming would not get me a husband. I will prove her wrong! I think I just have to find someone on my level. You take me as I come, I won't give up gaming!
Never be anybody's second best. If they're not acting like they care enough, or they don't want to ever involve your parents, then forget them.
Having certain things you won't budge on, a lot of people don't seem to like the fact that you won't consider just about anything. Maybe I'm controversial, but I'd prefer to be with someone from the same background as myself, or just mixed race. I feel we understand each other better. After all, how many white couples, Asian couples, African couples etc etc exist, I could go on and on. There's tons of people who don't marry out of their ethnicity, but nobody says anything. Yet I'm expected to go for anyone for some reason? No, I'll stick to what I feel is my type thanks. I'm not racist, before you pull that card. I can be friends with pretty much anyone, but when it comes to marriage I can and will be picky! Deal with it. The main reason this is something important to me is culture. We have way too many overly cultural Muslims. I think I'd rather just deal with the cultures I know well, instead of wading into uncharted waters.
Men with unrealistic expectations. The ones who ask that you live with their family, and then also look after their mum. (that's your mum, dude, look after her!) Ones who set stupid expectations for what working will entail. Don't want you to work with men, women only. (does such a place exist?) Looking for a perfect woman, asking that you should be like Prophet Muhammed's (peace be upon him) wives. You do know perfection doesn't exist, right? Who are you to ask for a woman like that?! One guy stipulated on his profile that he didn't want a girl in a headscarf, kinda dumb since you're Muslim, its sort of kinda what we're supposed to wear?! It's only a command from God y'know! Then the one who wanted someone 'sexually compatible', because his first marriage had ended in divorce over the same issue. So you want to try someone out before marriage? Good luck with that.
The dimwits who don't realise what joining a matrimonial site means. I've had a few saying they were on there just looking for friends. Erm, sorry to burst your bubble, but that's what Facebook is for? Why on Earth did you make an account, type up a profile, upload pictures, only to not use it for its intended purpose? Wow, you must be a special kind of stupid. Nobody likes time wasters, and this is them in another form.
The 'friend' thing also tends to crop up because I'm a gamer. Some don't see me as marriage material, just a cool person who plays games. That's kind of annoying because wouldn't you want a wife who you can play video games with? Why relegate someone like me to the 'friend' pile? Fine if you don't want to consider me, but maybe don't message me in the first place. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!
The ones who get all mad if you don't reply right away. Let's get this straight, its not nice to ignore messages, but if the person is furiously sending lots because you didn't reply a minute after they sent it, that's just ridiculous. I will reply even if its to say I don't think we're a good match. Just don't bug me, or you get nothing but a block.
Divorcees or people with children expecting anybody to take them on. Now I'm all for everyone getting a second, third, fourth (I could go on) chance, but not everybody can deal with that. Divorcees aren't so much of an issue, but I'm pretty sure I can't deal with looking after someone else's children and having to deal with their ex. It's not my baggage and I don't want to take it on. Don't hold it against me, because its better I say no now rather than putting us both through hell. I'm single and I've never been married, shoot me if I say I kinda want the same in my other half! I've also been to the point where I was considering a divorcee, and he was even talking to my dad, but he brought up a lot of personal information about his ex. It put me right off, I didn't need to know that, and he didn't endear himself to my dad either. C'mon man, I have an Arab dad, you can't say those things!
I think I got a lot off my chest, and it was much needed. If I was to give any advice, I'd say never give up with these sites. Especially if you are in my position, where you have no real world contacts to help you find a marriage partner. Online is pretty much my only choice right now. I never used to be open about it, but I am now. I'm not ashamed. I want to get married, to have children. My own family, my house. I'd say the number one rule of trying to find a spouse online is, don't be naive. You will find all kinds of people online, and you need to be tough about it. Don't be gullible, don't let them pull you into doing something bad, something against your morals. Stick to your guns and you should be fine. Take breaks if you ever feel jaded about finding someone. Then resume when you feel better. I do this a lot. It helps keep me refreshed.
Sunday, 25 May 2014
Response to 'GTA 5 and Dawah - Smile2Jannah'
As a Muslim, and a gamer, I felt like I had to call out this channel on a few things!
First of all, promotion and the sort is pretty normal for a huge game like this. There's plenty of other games non-gamers never hear about, because it just doesn't get the press attention GTA attracts. Yes, we know its full of killing, stealing, running people over etc, but it's not real, so that really doesn't concern me. You might think that sounds cold, but how many movies/TV shows contain all of the above and more, but nobody bats an eyelid? It's not real, that's why. Yep, it is just a game. In fact I didn't buy mine on release. I didn't even get my PS3 on launch day, I got it almost two years later (mostly because I'm a cheapskate!) I must admit I do agree it's kinda silly to go and pick up a game at midnight. I'm happy to wait until the next day or even later, I do want to sleep. Contrary to popular belief, not all gamers stay up playing games all night. Stupid stereotype.
Does it really matter who was first in line to buy the game? You wouldn't have said anything if it was a white, non-Muslim. Non-issue! I agree with you on the guy who played for 50 hours with a 'diet plan', sounds kinda crazy, but you say it's real, so let's just go with that. I must correct you on fibre 'pills' too, I've been on them myself in the past (not for extreme gaming, I must clarify!) and they are basically psyllium husk powder encased in a capsule for ease of taking it. You can buy it in powder form too, and mix it into food or drinks. I asked my doctor about it, its not a pill and its not harmful. It is also completely ridiculous to take time off to play a game. The day that 'The Last of Us' came out, I was working a full day. It was the first game I pre-ordered and I knew it would be waiting for me when I got back. I wasn't willing to miss a day of work for it. There's plenty of gamers just like me too, that would think it silly to take time off for pleasure.
Next I must talk about asking for time off work during Ramadan. Are you actually serious?! I'm pretty sure there's nothing in Islam that says you need time off. In fact I'm pretty sure you are supposed to carry on as normal. You can do things like read more Quran, pray extra prayers etc in the time you are not working. A man is expected to be a breadwinner. Maybe take a day or two off for Eid instead. There's no point taking time off work just because you can't eat or drink. Man up!! I've worked through Ramadan, it's not a big deal. Doing my work takes my mind off the not eating part, if I'm stupid enough to just think of food all day.
The Islamic book you held up at one point in the video is a book of hadith/dua and is only meant for referring to when needed. It's not the type of book you'd read cover to cover in one sitting anyway. I own it and its very useful for referring to!
Movies are also made on big budgets. Games are becoming more and more like playable movies, so the budget is only going to match that. Yes, its a lot of money, but that's what the developers have chosen to do, with demand from gamers just one part of it. You could put this same thing into many different industries. Putting money into something in expectation of getting more out of it.
Standing there with a controller saying "die die!" is such a stereotypical view of gamers. Maybe a little kid plays like that (which they shouldn't be playing games such as GTA anyway!), but us adults are usually pretty sensible about stuff. Again its not real so pretty much a non-issue.
So in conclusion, you kind of set yourself up for this criticism for being a non-gamer talking about a game/gamer in the typical way. We're all obsessed with killing (albeit in games!), we stay up all night playing, we go out at midnight to pick up the latest release (which is true in some cases, but it's hardly something to get bothered about). Maybe you should actually talk about Dawah in a better way than saying we should do it instead of playing games. You probably have hobbies too, so sue me if mine is playing games. It's not instead of any of my religious duties, its simply something I enjoy in life. Have you seen some people who claim to do Dawah anyway? They literally just get as many people as possible to convert and add it to their 'tally'. A sort of 'notch on the bedpost', if you will. Address issues like these, then maybe I'll take you seriously! Other than that I think most Smile2Jannah videos are pretty funny, but it just always falls flat if you try and address something you seemingly have no idea about.
Monday, 14 April 2014
Why its disrespecful to holiday in Egypt
So this subject was recently brought to my attention when hearing that people still consider Egypt a place to visit...... What about going to a country where recently over 500 Morsi supporters were sentenced to death.
How can you possibly justify going to have a good time in a place where if you oppose Sisi and his army, you are in danger of losing your life. Why not just go elsewhere? Not to mention, Mohammed Morsi was democratically elected as President, he didn't force his way in like General Sisi. Whether you like Morsi or not, you cannot deny this fact. If there were a majority against Morsi, perhaps they didn't vote? Which is the worst way to show how you think, in my opinion. Vote for someone else instead of keeping quiet until its too late.
I remember when the revolution against Hosni Mubarak first kicked off, I was at work and people were complaining that they couldn't go to Egypt at that time, because flying there had been discouraged due to the unrest. I defended the Egyptian people by saying that they needed to get rid of their dictator leader, and when it is ever a 'good time' to set up a revolution? When it happens, it happens.
Even the country my father is from (Libya) are having big problems with militias and armed people in the streets. Our family has said not to go and visit right now, despite the fact that we don't really go for a holiday, its more of a catch-up with relatives. I don't want to be selfish and put my own enjoyment above obvious danger, which the Libyan people live with everyday, so I will wait until its safer, whenever that may be.
I would advise anyone thinking of going to Egypt not to go right now. Please, your enjoyment is not more important than the people of Egypt, and their right to a better life. Don't holiday in a country where the 'leader' doesn't stand for his people, but prefers to murder them instead. Don't help prop up a 'government' that forced their way in, kicked out the elected leader and put him in a farcical trial. For now, please choose somewhere else. The world is your oyster, go where people are not in obvious danger.
How can you possibly justify going to have a good time in a place where if you oppose Sisi and his army, you are in danger of losing your life. Why not just go elsewhere? Not to mention, Mohammed Morsi was democratically elected as President, he didn't force his way in like General Sisi. Whether you like Morsi or not, you cannot deny this fact. If there were a majority against Morsi, perhaps they didn't vote? Which is the worst way to show how you think, in my opinion. Vote for someone else instead of keeping quiet until its too late.
I remember when the revolution against Hosni Mubarak first kicked off, I was at work and people were complaining that they couldn't go to Egypt at that time, because flying there had been discouraged due to the unrest. I defended the Egyptian people by saying that they needed to get rid of their dictator leader, and when it is ever a 'good time' to set up a revolution? When it happens, it happens.
Even the country my father is from (Libya) are having big problems with militias and armed people in the streets. Our family has said not to go and visit right now, despite the fact that we don't really go for a holiday, its more of a catch-up with relatives. I don't want to be selfish and put my own enjoyment above obvious danger, which the Libyan people live with everyday, so I will wait until its safer, whenever that may be.
I would advise anyone thinking of going to Egypt not to go right now. Please, your enjoyment is not more important than the people of Egypt, and their right to a better life. Don't holiday in a country where the 'leader' doesn't stand for his people, but prefers to murder them instead. Don't help prop up a 'government' that forced their way in, kicked out the elected leader and put him in a farcical trial. For now, please choose somewhere else. The world is your oyster, go where people are not in obvious danger.
Monday, 4 November 2013
Anti-Vac causing chaos!
I am a little bit fed up these days of seeing so much anti-vaccination stuff clogging my Facebook timeline. It's actually only a minority that think this way, yet they push and shove to tell people how much they hate vaccinations. To be clear, I am for vaccination, but not militant, but now I feel I have to almost constantly defend my choice. I never spoke of it before, because why do I need to tell everyone about it? It's a quiet choice I made in my own mind, yet anti-vac people will go around telling anyone who will listen that their children are unvaccinated, and probably wish their parents had not vaccinated them either. It's like vegetarians. Some of them are ok, and just get on with not eating meat, but then there are those who attack your choice to eat meat. Why? I do not go around saying you should eat meat and list the reasons why, no, I simply get on with my choice. I made that choice so I shouldn't push it on other people, as it might not be right for them.
I would never dream of forcing vaccination on someone, but they must consider that I went through the same pro/con research as them. I am not stupid and I read up about a lot of choices I make in my life. I don't want to go into anything unprepared if I can help it. To wrongly assume that pro-vac people haven't made an informed decision is foolish. In fact anyone who chooses something without knowing everything possible about it, makes a foolish choice. At least if you do your research you can safely say you made that choice with as much information as possible. I do this for everything, even down to buying a video game. If I don't know it well, I will read reviews, if an odd one mentions any kind of bug or glitch that may happen, I take it into account but realise that weighed up with all the other reviews, its most likely a more rare occurrence and only a few will come across it. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying the people who suffer any rare effects of anything are not to be counted, but rather it just shows that the percentage is low. Don't we take a risk every time we drive somewhere? Walk somewhere? Go to work? We don't know when injury or death could occur. We take safety precautions as best we can, but still, we don't know for sure. I have heard of a few children getting knocked over by cars on my street, but it doesn't stop me crossing the road.
We even have things in our life that happen to us without warning, and there's nothing we can do about it. Once upon a time that used to scare me, as I sat comfortably (as one can be!) watching medical documentaries and being thankful that I had not yet needed surgery in my life, and hopefully never would! Yet at the age of 19 I developed appendicitis and became very ill, later discovering that my appendix had burst and required not only surgery, but a full cut and not keyhole as one would hope. I feel it made me stronger though. I had an image in my mind of what surgery would be like, and I surprised myself by being calm and listening to the doctors, nurses, my surgeon and the anesthetist. (not blindly you must understand, but I was in a state where surgery was my best and only option, and doctors know better than I do, having studied for years in their field!) To be honest, I think most people in that position would have just gone with the flow because when you are in severe pain (my sheet said I was given morphine at one point, and then I was put on tramadol, a very strong painkiller that made me fall asleep when given it) you will do anything to get rid of that pain. I never knew severe pain until that point, and haven't felt it since. It's not something you can imagine, as you can see from my previous bliss before the surgery!
My conclusion is that life comes with hurdles, the good and the bad, the highs and the lows. The choices we make can either help or hinder us in this path. I have no ill feeling towards anti-vaccination or vegetarians, but I do wish they would consider other people's opinions and that you can't tell someone they are wrong because of a choice they made. Leave them to it, concentrate on your own life and you will feel better about it. I never thought about anti-vac people before and I was fine. Of course I knew they existed, but I never felt I needed to verbally attack them. Let's be kind to one another and respect each others' life choices!
My conclusion is that life comes with hurdles, the good and the bad, the highs and the lows. The choices we make can either help or hinder us in this path. I have no ill feeling towards anti-vaccination or vegetarians, but I do wish they would consider other people's opinions and that you can't tell someone they are wrong because of a choice they made. Leave them to it, concentrate on your own life and you will feel better about it. I never thought about anti-vac people before and I was fine. Of course I knew they existed, but I never felt I needed to verbally attack them. Let's be kind to one another and respect each others' life choices!
Friday, 6 September 2013
Catching up
I realise I have neglected this blog for a very long time! But fear not, I've got my writing bug back again after a few setbacks, and I'm ready to blog again. I'm still waiting on my copy of 'Soldier for a Summer' (by Sam Najjair) to arrive from Amazon . Once it does, I will hopefully start reading it right away to prepare for my review. I might also do another beauty post, I'm still using a lot of trusty products, but have tried, or added a few more into the mix that have either helped, or hindered! I will give my honest opinion on those products very soon. I have even thought of mixing it up a little and maybe doing some food blogging.
I am also off to the Eurogamer Expo in London's Earls Court later this month. I might not be able to take a lot of photos due to me not being a member of the press, but I can at least review my visit, and decide whether or not its worth visiting next year or not. It will be my first time at a convention, and I'm so happy it's a gaming convention. It's right up my street and I'll be nerding out over everything! Looking forward to trying out Batman: Arkham Origins, Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag and Lego Marvel Superheroes. I'm hoping to get Grand Theft Auto V not long after it's release date, but I need to replace the hard drive on my PS3 first. It's an 80gb fat model, but it really doesn't have enough storage space, so I'm opting for a 500gb hard drive to replace it. It seems easy enough to replace, and I'll be following an instructional video, plus I read a lot of reviews of people who have also replaced their hard drive and it's been fine afterwards. It's my only choice really, since a new PS3 is out of the question due to cost, so I may as well prolong the life of the one I already have.
Any questions or comments, you can either comment below or click 'Contact Me' to the left of this page. Thanks!
I am also off to the Eurogamer Expo in London's Earls Court later this month. I might not be able to take a lot of photos due to me not being a member of the press, but I can at least review my visit, and decide whether or not its worth visiting next year or not. It will be my first time at a convention, and I'm so happy it's a gaming convention. It's right up my street and I'll be nerding out over everything! Looking forward to trying out Batman: Arkham Origins, Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag and Lego Marvel Superheroes. I'm hoping to get Grand Theft Auto V not long after it's release date, but I need to replace the hard drive on my PS3 first. It's an 80gb fat model, but it really doesn't have enough storage space, so I'm opting for a 500gb hard drive to replace it. It seems easy enough to replace, and I'll be following an instructional video, plus I read a lot of reviews of people who have also replaced their hard drive and it's been fine afterwards. It's my only choice really, since a new PS3 is out of the question due to cost, so I may as well prolong the life of the one I already have.
Any questions or comments, you can either comment below or click 'Contact Me' to the left of this page. Thanks!
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Soldier for a Summer by Sam Najjair - Review coming soon!
I've just ordered a fantastic new book by an Irish-Libyan man named Sam Najjair from Dublin who fought in the Libyan revolution. The first and only book I read about the revolution was 'Colonel Gaddafi's Hat' by Sky News reporter Alex Crawford. It was a great read and one of only a few books I have actually bought, instead of just borrowing from the library. One of the reasons I also bought 'Soldier for a Summer' is because someday when I'm married with kids, these books will live on, and my kids can read them. I am someone who is very interested in history, and for my children this will be part of their history. Also for a long time there was literally nothing coming out of Libya, and if there was, it was all Gaddafi approved. There could be no books speaking against him, or any free press who could print whatever they liked. It was all a huge propaganda machine.
If you are interested in this book, you can listen to a fantastic podcast that was aired on radio in Ireland on 04/09/2013, you can listen to the interview here.
If you would like to buy the book, this is the link to buy from Amazon .
The review will be up once I've read it. I won't be rushing so it could be a few weeks. I also have the Eurogamer expo coming up later this month in Earl's Court, London, for which I will also post a full review. Thank you for reading!
If you are interested in this book, you can listen to a fantastic podcast that was aired on radio in Ireland on 04/09/2013, you can listen to the interview here.
If you would like to buy the book, this is the link to buy from Amazon .
The review will be up once I've read it. I won't be rushing so it could be a few weeks. I also have the Eurogamer expo coming up later this month in Earl's Court, London, for which I will also post a full review. Thank you for reading!
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Wimbledon 2012 - Nadal out!
I cannot believe that Rafael Nadal has been knocked out of Wimbledon, and in the second round too! He was beaten 6-7 6-4 6-4 2-6 6-4 by a virtual unknown, Lukas Rosol, who is ranked 100. It defeats my wish of seeing Nadal vs Djokovic in the final though! At least Nadal won the French Open, for a record 7th time, about two weeks ago. He's still a good player, but I guess others have to rise through the rankings at some point. We have tennis at Wimbledon to look forward to in the Olympics too, what a great place to hold the tennis, it feels like a double Wimbledon!
Monday, 23 April 2012
Anders Breivik the Terrorist
I am going to be the first person to dare to refer to Norwegian bomber/gunman Anders Breivik as a terrorist. No newspaper seems to want to call him a terrorist, even though he clearly is. If a bearded Muslim man had carried out such attacks, every newspaper article would refer to him as a terrorist. Let's be fair here and do the same for anyone who carries out killing on such a huge scale. Colour or religion should not even come into it, it should be about the crime committed. Breivik ironically killed mainly white people anyway, which I think kind of defeats what he was trying to achieve, which was madness anyway. Or is it? I actually think he is perfectly sane, my personal opinion is that he is an evil psychopath. Psychopaths don't show emotions such as remorse, they carry out an act and they stick to it afterwards, they don't regret any of it. Serial killers are the same, they would not have killed if they didn't mean to. It's just a shame Norway doesn't have the death penalty.
Also if you want to see how many newspapers and online news sites refer to Breivik as simply a mass murderer, and not a terrorist, just type 'Breivik mass murderer' into Google and see how many results come up.
Also if you want to see how many newspapers and online news sites refer to Breivik as simply a mass murderer, and not a terrorist, just type 'Breivik mass murderer' into Google and see how many results come up.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Samantha Brick: Not beautiful and hated by all
So these past few days, apparently the internet has been blowing up with comments against a lady called Samantha Brick, who alleges that women hate her because she is beautiful. Hmmm. First of all, she is actually not very pretty, just average looking really. Secondly, has she ever stopped to think that other women do not like her because of her personality? I have never hated a beautiful woman, unless that is accompanied by a bad attitude and cold personality. Also since when is it ok to just go around saying you are beautiful? It's much better to just let people find and notice your beauty themselves. I've been told I'm pretty, does that mean I constantly use that on other people, convincing them I'm so pretty and they have to like me? No, in fact I never mention it because I don't believe it. I can't see my own beauty, if it exists. I don't know anyone who says they look in the mirror and basically fall in love with themselves, and if they did think that, I'm pretty sure they dare not actually admit it!
Samantha Brick in the Daily Mail
Samantha's problem is her huge ego, which she won't admit to, she keeps sticking to the story that women are envious of her beauty, so they begin to hate her. This thing would have ended a lot faster if she just admitted she has a huge ego problem and needs to tone it down. Truly beautiful women most likely have great personalities anyway, as they are not aware of their beauty, so they do not try and use it to get ahead in life. You can't coast around on your looks forever anyway, they fade with age, so it's better to be known for something other than beauty.
I also cannot quite believe the freebies she as gained as a result of being 'beautiful'. A man buying her train ticket, the captain giving her a free bottle of champagne on a flight. I wish people would not treat her that way, all it does it stoke up her ego even more, convincing her further of how 'pretty' she is.
If you would like to read the original article, here it is: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html
I'll be away for a week starting 9th April, but when I'm back, I'll do a blog post about it (Edinburgh is where I am headed!).
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