Fighting to be recognised

 Ok, so you wouldn't think this, but there are people out there who believe some types of domestic violence are worse than others. I understand not everyone knows about the honour system, but I never thought I was going to be the only one in the women's refuge I was in to come straight out of that background, as opposed to an abusive relationship. I was never physically abused (only as a child) so not many people see it as 'real'. The 'abuse' I suffered was all mental, emotional. I had a lot of anger directed towards me. I was frequently told things like, 'what would other people think?' Keep yourself covered up. Don't draw attention to yourself. You don't need to go out. You don't need to work, just live off benefits because God forbid you go and work somewhere like a cafe. How would my father ever live it down if his daughter was seen working in a Greggs? That's not a suitable job for a woman.

 But getting back to what I was talking about (I will ramble sometimes, be warned), I had someone tell me I made myself homeless. Even the staff at the refuge never said that. Someone in the refuge told me I should go back home to my father, I didn't have a reason to leave. The thing is, it's so easy to judge when you didn't live it. I hid this part of my life for so long. Even when people asked me if I was oppressed, I was so defensive about it. I wouldn't dare admit it. I remember going home after such an incident and telling my mum, well I am oppressed but they don't need to know that. Let's let those rumours about women being oppressed in Muslim households build up, but not actually do anything about it.

 I would have stayed at home if I had a good example of religion, if I had a father who respected my choices even if he didn't like them. I've seen other girls do as I did. They took off their headscarves, started living more freely. They are still at home, they go out with their parents. Their parents are not ashamed of them. I remember one incident last year after I took my jilbab off (long black coat/dress that covered my clothes), and was driving some family members to a restaurant for Eid. My mother told me she didn't want to go out with me. But I was driving the car, so that was a pretty silly thing to try and dictate.

I was talking to someone at work about it, and he said he wants to study to be an alim (a knowledgable person). I told him that was fantastic and we needed more like him, who were born and raised in the UK and understand what that means for the young people. Instead of older people who come from abroad to work in mosques and have no idea what this life means for the young people. They either come in and judge others, or they do nothing at all. The latter is probably the most popular. Ironically it will come down on them as many chose to settle in the UK and have children here. Which means their kids will be the young people they tried so hard to ignore. That won't be so easy when it's in your own household.

I don't know how to get people to understand, and I'm not going to try. But this is my life, I've lived through things that affected me. That nobody else could possibly know or understand. But it's my life and my story, and that's what matters. Someone close to me recently told me that I'm a 'fucking warrior'. So I'll take that. It makes me realise my own strength.

Life in a women's refuge (part 2)

 So it's been a little over two months. I am settled, as much as you can be in a refuge. I have a fantastic group of friends here. Basically all the young people here hang out together, we are all in our 20's. It still doesn't stop the bad days though. I feel as though I am the only one still waiting for counselling. Most women are here because of domestic violence from a former partner. I feel like the odd one out. The one who left home because her father was the problem. It's almost like nobody else can relate. I didn't think I would be the only one in this situation. I do feel a bit alone sometimes. I just want my counselling, I really need it.

Every week we get a donation of food about to go out of date from a major supermarket. I think it's a great idea. It's a bit hit and miss though. Sometimes we get bread that has already gone hard, or fruit that has gone mouldy. But sometimes we get cake, which is the best of all, right?!? We get clothes donations too, but to this date I have not found anything that fits me. It's usually smaller sized clothes and I am a 16. I finally bought myself a new pair of trousers last week but it's put me out of pocket for this week. That's what I have to do, choose between food and something else. It's like there's never enough to do everything. Plus we pay rent here. It's not an obscene amount, but still, you have to budget for it. I really can't wait to get a job so I can do things with ease. I honestly think a lot of these times of me feeling down would also disappear if I had no money troubles.

I think I have cabin fever too. I feel like I am stuck here and I can't do anything because it all costs money. Back in my home town everything was nearby, I could walk or get a bus for cheap. I feel so poor and I hate it. I can't even treat myself ever.

(written in May 2016)